Nutworks magazine

Electronic Humor Magazine. Volume 8, Number 3 December 1990

Well here it is, a bit rushed, a bit late and a little thinner than some of the nutworks issues of the past. I would like to thank all those who sent postings to the list during the year and those who sent me submissions for this NutWorks issue. In particular I would like to thank Benny Lebovits and Murph Sewall for his many Henry Cate III posts (Murph, please send our best wishes to Henry). Finally .... Merry Christmas and a Nutty new year to ye all ...
Joe Desbonnet.
December 1990

December Friends & lovers [M]agazine

12 Days of Christmas by Silverado122

(Submitted by EGS317@ALBNYVMS)

Dearest John,

You angel! What an unusual and lovely gift. I have discarded that old floor lamp I had and put the pear tree in that corner. And the partridge just loves it. All my love,


Dearest John,

I thank you and so does the partridge. Two turtle doves--how delightful! They are so adorable and they make wonderful company for the partridge.
All my love,


Dear John,

Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity--three French hens, of all things. Really John, they are just darling, but I must have been too kind. Love,


Dear John,

Don't you think enough is enough? They are beautiful, but what am I to do
with four calling birds?


Dear John,
You are so impossible, but I love it. Today the postman brought your lovely
surprise--five golden rings, one for every finger. I feel so much better now
about those birds; their squawking was beginning to get on my nerves, until
the rings arrived.
All my love,


Dear John,

What the hell?! I opened my door this morning and found six geese a-laying
on my front steps. So you are back to the birds again.
Listen John, these damn geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
Besides, the neighbors are beginning to complain, and who is going to be able
to sleep through all this racket?
Please stop.



What's with you and those fucking birds? Is this some kind of a goddamn
joke? Seven swans ass! There's birdshit all over the house,
and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I'm turning
into a nervous wreck.
This isn't funny, John. So stop with those fucking birds, OK?



OK Buster,

So you quit sending birds. Now what in hell do you expect me to do with 8
maids a-milking? They also brought their goddamn cows with them, naturally,
how else could they be a-milking? So now there's cowshit as well as birdshit
all over the place and I can't move in my own house.
Lay off, will you?



What are you, some kind of a sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping. And
Christ, do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. There's 9 of them and 8 of the maids, and I'm getting
tired of running!
Besides, the cows are getting all upset and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. What the hell am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,


You rotten prick:

Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why anybody would call those
sluts "ladies". They've been balling those pipers all night long, which is a
break for me and the eight former maids.
Now the cows have diarrhea and my living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
should not be condemned.
You bastard. I'm going to sick the police on you!

One who means it!

Listen, Dickhead!

What with 11 lords a-leaping on those ex-maids and ladies--after the pipers
got through with them--some of those broads will never walk again. Now the
lords and pipers are going to work on the cows! One cow, in her mad dash to
avoid rape, impaled herself on the pear tree, causing the partridge to die of
In addition to which, all the other fucking birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten mother.

Your sworn enemy

Peters, Peters, Peters & More
Attorneys at Law
1104 Main Ave.
Youngstown, Ohio

December 25, 1989
Dear Sir:

This is to inform you that you have been enjoined from having contact with
our client, Miss Agnes Baird, directly or indirectly, from this day forward.
This means that if you attempt to see Miss Baird at the Happy Valley
Sanitarium, the attendants there have orders to shoot you on sight.
Your latest gift to Miss Baird, 12 fiddlers fiddling, were last seen
fiddling their way through 30 tons of cowshit and birdshit, and in and around
a bunch of pretty beat maids, ladies, pipers and lords. The destruction, of
course, was total.
A warrant for your arrest will follow. Merry Christmas.


C.R. Aubrey Peters


********************************* E N D *************************************

Traditional, seasonal poem revisited.

Submitted by FAJR9224@WOOSTER

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) {
be good

(by Frank Carey, AT&T Bell Laboratories, 1985)

And heres a DCL port of the above ...

$ better /nopout /nocry
$ better /watchout
$ print why
$ santa_claus /input=north pole /output=town

$ mcr authorize
$ analyze/rms_file/check sysuaf.lis
$ analyze/rms_file/check sysuaf.lis
$ search sysuaf.lis naughty /output=nogift.lis
$ search sysuaf.lis nice /outuput=gift.lis
$ santa_claus /input=north pole /output=town

$ show user /interactive/output=users.lis
$ search users.lis sleeping
$ search users.lis awake
$ search users.lis bad
$ search users.lis good
$ loop:
$ be good
$ if goodness_sake then $ goto loop
(DCL port by James R. Dishaw)

Happy holidays.

James R. Dishaw

The first law of draughting states that you can connect any three points by

a straight line - if you make thick enough. -- BLIBERG@TAUNIVM "uri"


Submitted by CS110255@YUSol (GREG GORING)

`Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the casa
Not a creature was stirring. Caramba! Que pasa?
Los ninos were all tucked away in their camas,
Some in long calzones, some in pajamas.

While Mama worked late in her little cocina,
El viejo was down at the corner cantina
Living it up with amigos. Carracho!
Muy contento and poco borracho!

While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
To bring all the ninos, both buenos and malos,
A nice bunch of dulces and other regalos.

Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?

Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
And pulling his sleigh, instead of venados,
Were eight little burros, approaching volados.

I watched as they came, and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre
"Ay, Pancho! Ay, Pepe! Ay, Cuca! Ay, Beto!
Ay, Chato! Ay, Chopo! Maruca y Nieto!"

Then, standing erect with his hand on his pecho,
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea.

Then, huffing and puffing, at last to our sala
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos
For none of los ninos had been very malos.

Then chuckling aloud, seeming muy contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim -- and this is verdad --
"Merry Christmas to all! Feliz Navidad!"

Original author unknown.

End of NutWorks Volume 8 Number 3