NUTWORKS - FREE FUNNY MAGAZINE (JOKES)
Nutworks is published at non-linear intervals by Deirdre Thornton and Nathan
'Dear Abby' Unknown Soldier <
'The Land of Variables' Barry Haldiman <
'The World ...........' Barry Haldiman <
'Petition for Readmission' Andy Greenshields <
'Cucumbers #1' Kris Chmilar <
'Why should we take advice on sex from the Pope. If he knows anything, he
-George Bernard Shaw
(courtesy of Richard Schuerger...CBS%VMS.CIS.PITT.EDU::DWRST)
'Nil aon uasal na iseal ach thuas seal thios seal'
(mar a duirt Confucius Mac Conaonaigh)
Welcome to this wacky but wonderful edition of that great toilet-side companion
---NUTWORKS! This magazine has a centuries old tradition of being the best.
My name is Deirdre Thornton and I'm six foot one with blond hair and blue eyes.
However, I do have a boyfriend who has a black belt in karate and who has an
awful mean streak.(sorry lads!) My co-editor is Nathan Quinlan. he's five foot
one , wears thick-rimmed glasses, has acne and last washed his hair on St.
Patrick's day last year! there is, however, one slight disadvantage! his mother
is a bit possessive-in fact she's a gargoyle.
Both myself and Nathan are second years doing Science and Mechanical
Engineering respectively. We are two of the people responsible for that
wonderful literary masterpiece "Quantum Mechanics in the Bath". Might I say
that I didn't really enjoy researching that one with nathan-his glasses kept
steaming up! I know that we said that we would produce another edition of
NUTWORKS before Christmas but Nathan found out that Santa Claus didn't really
exist and spent most of the holiday in a mental institution.
*****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** *****newsflash*****
Word just coming in that strikingly handsome 6'2" dark well-built Nathan
Quinlan, co-editor with response for Creative Genius, Lightning Wit and Sex
down at Nutworks has been the target of an assassination attempt by his
power-hungry business partner spinster midget Deirdre "Oops" Thornton. And yes,
what? yes, we can confirm, we can positively confirm that the assailant did not
correctly load her lethal milk carton. Ha ha ha. This broadcast supercedes all
previous and subsequent messages concerning the above persons, especially
speciallyspecially if written by the World Domination for Women Party's
propaganda minister, evil Brid Curran, which most of them are, all one in fact.
Right on. Back to you, Brid.
*****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** *****newsflash***** *****newsflash*****
Another Newsflash From That Literary Genius (who Just Happens To Be A 6'1"
Blonde with smashing big blue eyes - every man's wet dream!)
Once again that bespotted and bespeckled (not to mention be-undersexed) 5'0"
mammie's boy (who is, incidentally a Daniel O'Donnell fan!), Nathan Quinlan, has
got it all wrong! Since the untimely departure of his only and most trusted
friend - his one-eyed Teddy Bear (aptly named Ted - Nathan was always renowned
for his imagination) - was taken away by the social worker as he was a sexually
abused bear, Nathan has been paranoid and refuses to believe that anyone likes
him (quite understandable really!). Deirdre Thornton has really tried to help
this paranoid mess but with limited success. She even researched "Quantum
Mechanics in the Bath" with him. The only thanks she got was an accusation that
she had tried to molest his little yellow rubber ducky while he, Nathan, was
busy wiping his steamed-up glasses! Nathan Quinlan - a boy whose paranoia has
led to his accusations that his only friend, Deirdre Thornton, has plotted his
death with the aid of a carton of milk! Please pray for his quick recovery. Any
monetary contributions can be sent to :
"The Nathan Quinlan Instutional Fund"
C\O The Porters Desk,
HELP NATHAN HELP HIMSELF!
From: VAX1::MECQUINLAN "Greetings from the Funny Farm" 23-FEB-1990 15:28:55.87
Just writing to let you know that I am deeply, deeply distressed by some of
your recent correspondence. I find your all-consuming desire to publicise some
of the less attractive aspects of the period before my anatomical psychiatric
and neurological treatment quite worrying and I extend my fullest sympathies to
your families, and a sincere offer of help to you yourselves. I also hope your
hair all falls out and all your fingers stick to each other and your knees lock
up for 3 hours each day. Now, can we mix all this stuff together to produce a
nice, interesting, humourous article for our readership?
Listen dudes, if you want to send us anything do go ahead---just don't blame
us, if it's an article you insist on sending, we think that they are quite good
and print the bloody things!
Ok, so that the last sentence makes no sense at all, but don't bother us, Brid
wrote it. Neargh to her. Thanks to Barry Haldiman and Peter Muldoon (Caaavan)
for constructive criticism.
Submitted by <
I have a big problem that goes something like this:
I have two brothers, one is a government contractor and the other is in prison
for murder. My younger sister is a prostitute and her oldest son is on drugs.
My Mom, rest her soul, used to sell drugs to my nephew and Dad is a known child
molester. I recently got engaged to a beautiful, sweet woman. My problem,
Abby, is that since this woman will be coming into my family should I let her
know that my brother is a government contractor?
THE LAND OF THE VARIABLES
The characters will now be declared....
The booleans -- they have two groups, the Wrights and the Wrongs.
The integers -- they are a well-rounded people on the whole.
The reals -- they are individuals who always have a point.
In the land of the variables, there are often wars amongst the three types. The
reals have battle between the rationals and the over- populated (you'll see why
later) irrationals and the integers have fights between the negative and
positives with the neutrals (0) doing nothing. Now, the booleans on the other
hand don't war but they do argue. An example argument, the Wrights tease the
Wrongs by saying, "You are false." (and what the Wrights say is always true) to
which the Wrongs reply, "You are false." (of course...to be consistent).
When the variables aren't fighting with themselves, they are fighting each
other. The reals use the ever feared continuous integration as their primary
weapon, the integers use flash cards to stun their opponents and the booleans
use their logic to survive. Attempts at peace are difficult because the
boolean's agents (the Wrights and the Wrongs), integer's agents (+ or -) and
the real's agents (ir- rational and rational) are indistinguishable to the
rival variables. This means the talks often end up being complex (a variable
not declared in this land) or purely imaginary.
You've now met the characters and heard about their war stories. Now it's time
to see what and how they eat. Yes, the variables in the land must eat since
they have a magnitude to keep. Their diet is widely varied and studies on the
subject are preliminary; some of the results follow.
The irrational numbers (a subset of the reals) consume large quantities of Pi
and their manners are extremely atrocious since everyone wants a piece of the
Pi. The rational numbers are quite the opposite; their quantities are always in
proportions and they love Chicken McNuggets (parts is parts). The integers
often have trouble eating because they swallow their food whole, nothing is cut
up; their favorite food is the doughnut hole. The booleans will eat anything
they can get. What makes them different from other variables is that their
tastes never change. They either like something or not and never in between;
but the Wrights know they have good tastes while the Wrongs know they have bad
Sex, like in most societies, is a topic of much controversy and a few unwritten
rules have arose on the subject. The most important of these is NO
intra-variable relationship, mixing type could cause a fatal error and crash
the program. A less important one is no adding or subtracting after the 4th
In the boolean sex life the biggest taboo is the combination of a Wright and
Wrong. If they just AND or OR, that is fine but if they try to get together and
multiply an interderminate form would result! This could cause bit 7 of the
status word to be set and you wouldn't want that.
In the real sex life the rationals must stay together. The reason is quite
simple, if an irrational and rational get together and either subtract, add,
multiply or divide then another irrational will result. If this kept up, then
the irrationals would overpopulate the rationals. And with the irrational in
charge who knows what results you would get back from your real program.
In the integer sex life division is the touchy subject. Only if an integer is a
multiple of another integer can they divide and of the two, the bigger one must
always be on top. Also neutrals are strictly forbidden to be on the bottom;
climax in this situation is dangerous to all. Finally negative and positive
multiplication is discouraged due to negative results.
As you can see, sex in the land of the variables can be fun but many
precautions must be taken to prevent bad results.
When things get boring in the land of the variables, they all sit around at
watch TV. Of course, they have their favorite shows just like us.
The booleans love watching Truth or Consequences and Hollywood Squares. The
integers really enjoy 60 minutes and 48 hours. The rationals like 20/20 while
the irrationals always watch cartoons.
The booleans only watch their two shows a day (unless they have cable). The
integers only watch shows that last 1 hour. The rationals always watch enough
shows to have x-hours + 1/2. The irrationals never quit watching except to get
a Pi from the fridge.
As the years, went by only the Booleans didn't become couch potatoes so as a
result they became known as the purest and best form of numbers. The land of
the variables exists today inside our computers. Will the booleans who have
grouped to become the binarys take over our world? Will they force us to line
up and count off 1,0,1,0.....??? Can we stop their advances in time??? If
you're reading this it's too late. The meaning of life, universe and everything
is 42. That doesn't sound to significant but in binary it's 101010! We humans
are purely slaves to our, hence, unknown overlords. And now you know the rest
of the story.....
Barry Haldiman a.k.a. the HaldiMANIAC
'The World According to Student Bloopers'
by Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
(Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol. XIII, No. 4)
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's
birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave
refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Illiad, by
Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of
Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the
Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle
of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the
Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no
free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made
him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her
troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth
to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed
the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at
Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling
their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses which proved
very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks were crowing.
Finally, The colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right
to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion
there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while
traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth
Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher
and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented
law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The
believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented
by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world. and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was
so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted
an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her
life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event
which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
From: Andy Greenshields <[Ex-Brit][dxandy@widener.BITNET]" TITLE="E-mail [Ex-Brit][dxandy@widener.BITNET]" > [Ex-Brit][dxandy@widener.BITNET]
PETITION FOR READMISSION
[note: the following Application for Readmission is supposed to be composed
entirely from actual readmissions petitions here at KU]
After last semester, a letter for dismissal was obtained by me. I know my first
semester at KU was speakable, and my grades hasn't been very good, but they did
inprove throughout my academic carrier. I was dismissed because I received a
poor grade in Biology, which really hurt my feelings. Also, I decided not to
take my final exam to assure failure. It worked.
I whole heartily want and need to remain in school if giving the chance. I have
been committed to the Lawrence area and find myself soully responsible for my
tuition and fees. I realize that my academic success in the past wasn't very
successful, but I was in a soriety and which was very inportant to me. Also, I
was in the mist of many personnel problems.
During the semester, my parents were having martial problems severly. My father
was in a accident and had a number of fatal injuries, which he overcame. He has
underwent multiple operations, which put a big hamper on my academic process.
Through all this I have learned that "you have nothing but fear itself to fear
Since I was extracated from the University, I have know regained myself and
regathered my train of thoughts. I have learnt from my mistakes. I see that
without a college education life could be full of many holes in which one could
I would be obliged to return to KU, where new doors to your mind can be opened.
My readmittance into your elite financial institution would be greatly
priviledged. I will resume my studies with a more dedicated fever and I will
uphold the standards set forth me.
Please recommend that I be let back in to collage, so that I can rise like a
phoenix from the academic ashes, and my mind will not be left to rust into
Very Sincerely Yours,
Desperately Seeking Studiousness
From: VAX1::ELECHMILAR "Crazy Babies Never Say Die!" 24-JAN-1990 13:45:40.91
CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE....... (part 1)
...The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
...Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
...A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count.
...Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
...A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
...Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
...You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...
and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
...Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
...With a cucumber you can get a single room and you
won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'.
...A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
...You can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie.
...At a drive in you can stay in the front seat.
...A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
...A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
...A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
...A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?'
...Cucumbers don't care if you're a virgin.
...Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
...Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
...With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
...Cucumbers won't write your name and number on men's room wall.
...Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
... Cucumbers won't ask:
'Am i the best'
'How was it?'
'Did you come?'
'How many times?'
...Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or
...Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one.
...A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the
...A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes
...No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
...Cucumbers can handle rejection.
...A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
...A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
...With a cucumber, you never have to say your sorry.
...Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest
or drool on the pillow.