Nutworks magazine

Electronic Humor Magazine.

Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.
Special Valentine's Day Issue!

NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by

Brent C.J. Britton, < Brent@Maine.BITNET>

"Shower the people you love with love."
-- James Taylor
"Shower with the people you love."

-- Anonymous


NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest
Lover's Quiz #1 ................ Quiz
First Offender ................. Very Short Story
Dear Dr. Diag .................. Advice
How to Get a Date .............. More Advice
Lover's Quiz #2 ................ Yet Another Quiz

Mixology ....................... History


Presenting the Special Valentine's Day Issue of NutWorks! In honor
of the Lovers' Holiday, we have speckled this issue with various art-
icles about love, dating, and of course, sex. It is our hope that the
readers of NutWorks -- open-minded, relaxed, laid-back and lovable group
of individuals that you are -- will make at least a modest effort on
this neato holiday to join with one another in love, dating, and of
course, sex. Oh, and remember to always eat your dates; they contain
no preservatives, there are no crumbs, and no messy wrapper!

Happy Valentine's Day,

The NutWorks Staff

Lover's Quiz #1

by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing
(Dave got paid a lot more, though)

Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know
how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score your-
self as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for
each C, and 10 points for each D.

1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing
to spend?
A. Guest meal at campus dining services
B. $5.00 for a few slices
C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops
D. The price of your physics textbook

2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first
course of action is to:
A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation
B. Use one of your favorite lines
C. Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend
D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag
him/her back to your friend's single

3. Your definition of "blue balls" is:
A. A solid and a stripe in billiards
B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag
C. A painful need for a cold shower
D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics

4. If she says "no" she means:
A. No
B. Probably not
C. Yes
D. She's gagged and can't answer

5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment
A. 0-10
B. 11-14
C. 15-19
D. 38 - You steal your roomie's card

6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day:
A. 2 min.
B. 4 min.
C. 6 min.
D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics

7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day
A. 2-5 min.
B. 5-7 min.
C. 7-10 min.
D. Fall asleep with it

8. Qualifications for your blind date:
A. No imperfections
B. No boy/girlfriend
C. No particular desire to be seen with you
D. No sarcoma

9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date:
A. Sunsets
B. Bork
C. How he/she's doing
D. Robotics

10. Typical conclusion to blind date:
A. Bought a futon together
B. Got phone number
C. Lost him/her in crowd
D. Temporary restraining order

10-20 You're doin' OK, dude(tte).
21-40 Things could be better.
41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions.

61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order.

First Offender

Only a short sentence, but he was no less shocked to hear it pronounced.
Never caught before, he had assumed he could get away every time. He
flashed a helpless, appealing glance towards his anxious relatives. But
it was too late. He had owned up. He had said "I do."

-- Dostoevsky <MCB10>

Dear Dr. Diag:

Note: Dr. Diag will attempt to answer questions on any subject, if he
can. If he can't, he'll make you feel stupid for asking. Send
your questions to "Dr. Diag" c/o Brent@Maine.BITNET.

In keeping with the spirit of this issue of NutWorks, I have dedicated
this month's column to advice for the lovelorn. -- Dr. D.

> Dear Dr. Diag.
> I need your advice regarding a rather embarassing situation. My
> girlfriend, a gorgeous, buxom redhead, has an insatiable appetite for
> sex. This is normally a healthy state of affairs, but lately I've
> been having, well, sort of a problem. I seem to be having a little
> trouble, um, performing... if you know what I mean. It's not that I
> don't want to! I guess I've just been under a lot of stress lately
> with my new job, and I'm exhausted at the end of the day. So when we
> crawl into bed, my body doesn't want to function in the expected way,
> and we usually just end up going to sleep.
> My girlfriend was understanding at first, but I'm beginning to worry
> that she will take her awesome body and infinite desire elsewhere for
> satisfaction. Please Dr. Diag, I'll take any advice you can give me.
> Sincerely, Flaccid

Dear Flaccid,
You impotent little turd! You don't *deserve* a girlfriend. You
don't even deserve to be called a man! Why don't you admit that you're
a flaming homosexual!
Ha ha! Just kidding! Had you going there for a minute, didn't I?
But seriously, sometimes the little soldier just doesn't want to
stand at attention, and there's not a lot you can do about it. I'm sure
your problem will eventually pass, but in the meantime, here's what we
can do for your girlfriend: I have developed a series of treatments
for women in just such a predicament, and I would like to offer my
services to her, free of charge. With "Dr. Diag's HBI-25 Sexual Tension
Relief Program", she and I will meet privately for four hours, five times
per week for five weeks. At our rendezvous, I will, inch-by-inch, strip
her of her high levels of desire, and tenderly caress her delicate state
of mind, until we are mutally locked in oral communication, through which
we arrive at the headwaters of her emotional trauma. Finally, I'll drive
home the overall thrust of my treatment, convincing her to ride out her
sticky situation, and will repeatedly drill her with hard questions, the
answers to which will allow her to slam down on the root of her problems,
until our session climaxes, rendering her a quivering mass of love for
you. I guarantee that HBI-25 will keep your girlfriend from straying
away. I have your address; tell your girlfriend I'll see her Monday at

> Dear Dr. Diag,
> I'm a nice person, but I have trouble meeting and dating members
> of the opposite sex. What should I do?
> Sincerly, Dateless

Dear Dateless,
Yours is the most common question I receive this time of year. I
have asked a respected member of the British dating community to answer
it. His wisdom appears in the following article.

-- bcjb

How to Get a Date

by the Jabberwock <PM107>
submitted by JRP

How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice

First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going
to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn
all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since
I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I
should help those of you who do. So I won't. So there.
Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said
target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a
door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the
bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.
Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the target's door, and
when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a messeage for
so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in. Can I borrow a pen and paper
to leave a note please?" Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave
something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and
collect it sometime.

DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring.
A photo of a stunning individual by the bed.
The presence of a stunning individual in the bed.
A very rapid ushering out of the room.
Phrases such as "Get lost, you pervert!"

GOOD SIGNS: Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit.
A return visit armed with red rose.

As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at
first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in the
bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic,
which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up
lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room
with the same number of limbs as you went in with is "Do you come here
often?" It is the target's room after all.


Lover's Quiz #2

by Jazzman

A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibilty. Section One is
for women, Section Two for men.

Section One (Women):

1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5)
B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for
a few drinks (+10)
C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)

2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit:
A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5)
B) next to my date (+10)
C) on my date's lap (+15)

3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I:
A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that
kind of girl (-5)
B) move cautiously closer to him (+5)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled
evening (+15)

4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I:
A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5)
B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long,
fun-filled evening (+15)

5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I:
A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home
to ask permission from my mom (-10)
B) consider his motives and accept if I find them
within the realm of my morals (+10)
C) consider his performance and accept if he
played three or more encores (+20)

Scoring for Women:

-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please. You couldn't get a date if you paid for
one. You should consider interspecies dates as your
only available option for romance.

15 TO 65 POINTS: You're interested in men but are either too shy or
emotionally unstable. A Valentine's date for you is a
horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping.
Relax. It's just an innocent date. Trust me!

70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah! Love ya! You consider nylons and garter belts
kinky but don't think twice about wearing black
leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained
partner into submission. There's nothing I could teach
you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me
with your best shot!

Section Two (Men):

1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5)
B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5)
C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)

2. When I pick her up, I:
A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10)
B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5)
C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack
her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)

3. My dates usually say:
A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10)
B) "Wake up, dammit! I'm not through yet!" (-5)
C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20)

4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I:
A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity
or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10)
B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I
had (even if I didn't) (+5)
C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15)

5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I:
A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship
and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity
to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5)
B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she
kissed on the first one (+5)
C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)

Scoring for Men:

-25 TO 10 POINTS: You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's.
Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of
your own yourself and the world a favor: commit your-
self to Depo-Provera treatments and become an
15 TO 65 POINTS: You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what any
woman could possibly see in you. Good point. It's
not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort,
you too could soon be on your way to successful
65 TO 100 POINTS: You're a man of the world who is well versed in the
art of give and take. You know what a woman wants and
you're not afraid to give it to her. You lead a hard
and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women
around you. You'll make an excellent Valentine date

for any mature woman.


(or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Art of Plastering)

Mixology is, to most people, the art of drink-making and serving.
While these people could not be more correct, the art of mixology goes
much deeper than this. To be frank, mixology could be called the "art of
The art of plastering (mixology) had its primitive beginnings back
in ancient Viking times when one person (analogous to today's bartender)
was held responsible for making sure that the troops would have enough
to drink after each battle, thereby ensuring that the next battle would
not occur for at least a few days. After all, the guys needed time to
gather their strength (and often their intestines as well). This was
indeed a great responsibility, as the failure to complete the task of
plastering the band could quite possibly lead to horrendous punishment,
such as being forced to bathe.
Later, medieval lords and barons would have their hand at mixology,
and would excel at this art form known as "plastering" (not to be
confused with "spackling"). Although they found this pastime quite
enjoyable, they too grew tired quickly of being forced to bathe.
Mixology arrived as a modern art form in the Rennaisance (i.e.,
post-1980), when the idea of getting plastered also fostered the idea of
increaseing one chances with the opposite sex. In fact, the term
"mixology" comes from the Greek "mixos", which roughly translates to
"getting plastered and dancing your butt off to try and impress the
chicks". To a certain degree, many fine Greek institutions still carry
on this time-honored tradition. A quick inspection of any campus Greek
installation will prove this point graphically (ahem).
However, this fine art of plastering has not been without its
setbacks. Back in 1985, His Grand High Exalted Kissass Ruler Wannabee
Mario Cuomo raised the official imbibing age in New York to 21 from 19.
This had a serious effect on the population, as the number of minors who
could legally purchase beer was cut by a whopping .001 percent due to
heavily enforced regulation.
Mixology is an open sport to all who wish to participate. It is not
restricted by race, creed, color, or stupidity. Mixology is the true
"sport of jesters". Indeed, it may be a refreshing idea to just sit down
and try it one day when you're bored and foolish.
Undeniably, this hearty sport is not for all, though I do urge people
to give it a chance. In all truth, perhaps the best way to experience
this beloved rite is just to give it a go. Go on, just get plastered.

Betcha can't do it just once!

Abou Ben Adhem

by James Henry Leigh Hunt
submitted by JRP

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And to the presence in the room he said,
"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."

The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
It came again with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.

Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.