Nutworks magazine

Electronic Humor Magazine.

Issue018, (Volume IV, Number 4). May, 1987.

NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by

Brent C.J. Britton, < Brent@Maine.BITNET>

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

-- Art Hoppe


NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest
Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary
The Final Prayer ............... Religion
Filthy ......................... Limerick
Dear Dr. Diag .................. Advice
Law as it Should Be ............ Story
Fear No Man .................... Advertisement
Two Priests .................... Joke
Frog Finance ................... Shaggy Dog


Hello, I'm Jeraldo Revera filling in for the regular NutWorks News
crew, who are out on assignment. Actually, I think they're just out
someplace having a party to which I am not invited. They do this a lot.
But I don't care. Rest assured that I'm getting paid a disgusting sum
of money for doing this. I mean, they're not really professional
journalists or anything. They spend most of their time sitting around
drinking coffee and playing "Pin the tail on Vanna White," a game in-
volving a blindfold, a fallic-shaped IBM card, and a recent issue of
Playboy magazine.
I just know they're having a party. Probably at the beach too.
With those coeds from the Speech Communications department who I bet are
at least partially naked at this point.
I hate them. They tell me they're off on an "important assignment of
global proportions" when I know damn well the only "globes" involved
belong to some drunken floozies with miniscule, if any, tan lines. HERE
GANG-FONDLING SOME GIRL'S HUGE... ahem... sorry. I'm very sorry.
The only news this month is this stupid reminder that the end of the
spring semester is upon us -- like you haven't noticed, sheez -- and
so those of you with NON-PERMANENT user-IDs should be sure to delete
yourselves from the NutWorks mailing list by sending the command:


to LISTSERV@TCSVM via message or mail. Please make sure you delete your-
selves because if you don't, I'll have to. "Delete the user-IDs Jeraldo"
they'll say. "Get us some more Mt. Dew Jeraldo! Get Connie Chung on the
phone Jeraldo! Jeraldo, why haven't you deleted those user-IDs yet!?"
The only other news this month is that this stupid old magazine will
probably publish on time, every month, this summer, which I'm sure just
thrills all you perverts out there who read this trash.

What do Gary Hart and an Oriental man have in common?
- - -

They both like to eat Rice.

Nuts & Bolts

by Brent C.J. Britton

My girlfriend and I are planning to move into a new apartment this
month which means we're spending a lot of time sorting through our
possesions in an attempt to distinguish the good stuff from the garbage.
Unfortunately, her idea of what is garbage and what isn't differs from
mine in that I am violently opposed to throwing away anything that I own
on the grounds that I may want or need it someday even if it is broken
or, in fact, completely useless.
For instance, she located the locking base clamp to my desk lamp --
one of those spring-loaded, swiveling-arm lamps; every college student
in the world has one -- and asked me, hopefully, if she could throw it
away because the actual lamp part seemed to be missing. I said that we
should hang onto it just in case the lamp turned up, although I knew
darned well that the poor lamp met an untimely demise two years ago in
a diabolical experiment conducted by myself and my dorm roommate, Hal.
The idea was, see, to develop a Beer Extraction Device which, at the
tug of a chord (such as the belt from Hal's bathrobe), would cause a bot-
tle of beer to be dropped from the refrigerator into the Catapult
Unit -- remember, the lamp was spring loaded -- which would then fling
the beer across the room to the general vicinity of the couch and into
the waiting hands of a thirsty college student such as Hal or myself.
During the trial runs, however, several beers and a can of picante sauce
were inadvertently capulted straight out of our open, third floor win-
dow. This angered Hal to the point of tossing the Beer Extraction
Device out the window as well, and thus ended the life of my desk lamp.
So you can see how the locking base clamp has great sentimental value to
me, and I'm glad she let me keep it.
With clothes, I'm not so lucky. What happens is, first, she'll find
a pair of my pants she's never seen before and she'll bring them to me.
"Did you know you had these?" she'll say, realizing that she is
dealing with someone who often forgets his own mother's birthday.
"Yes," I'll say, "those are the pants I wore to my high school
graduation. They go with my blue suit." And then I'll make an effort
to look intensely preoccupied.
"Do they fit?"
"I dunno..."
"Try them on."
Now, just so you know, I have about five pairs of pants that I wear
on a regular basis, four of which are made of denim. (And while we're
on the subject, take my advice: never wear button-fly jeans if you think
you're going to be in a situation where you have to go to the bathroom
in a hurry, if you get my drift.) I have some other pants which I only
wear to nice restaurants, for example, and funerals, but mostly I just
wear jeans. My girlfriend knows this and will therefore consider these
high school pants to be good candidates for her Salvation Army box.
After some lengthly discussion we'll arrive at the the truth of the
matter which is that, given a choice between having a root canal or
being seen with me in public while I was wearing these pants, she'd
choose the root canal. So, scratch one pair of perfectly good pants.
I guess I really can't blame her for wanting to throw out things like
my high school pants, because she does most of the packing. Now before
you start calling me a worthless scum for not helping her pack, I should
remind you that she's a woman and as such, *loves* to do the packing.
Women are, you know, strange like that. My idea of a packing consists
of scrunching my socks up into little balls, and then making jump shots
into the suitcase with them from various points around the room.
So she does the packing. And while she's busy doing that, I go find
the box marked "salvation army" and I hide it on her.

Two women at lunch:
"Have you and your husband ever had mutual orgasm?"

"No, I think it's State Farm."

The Final Prayer

Submitted by David N. Blank < BLANK@BRANDEIS>

And it came to pass, that early in the morning of the last day of the
semester, there arose a multitude smiting their books and wailing; and
there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth; for the day of judgement
was at hand and they were sore afraid. For they had done those things
which they ought not have done, and they had left undone those things
which they should have done... and there was no help for it.

And there were many abiding in the dorms who had kept watch over their
books all night, but naught availeth. But some there were who arose
smilingly, for they had prepared for themselves the way, and made
straight the path of knowledge. And these wise ones are called the
curve-loosers. And the multitude arose and ate a hearty breakfast.

And they came unto the appointed place, and their hearts were heavy with-
in them. And they came to pass, but some passed out. And some of them
repented their riotous living, and bemoaned their fate. But they had not
a prayer.

And at the last hour, there arose among them one known as the professor,
he of the diabolical smile, who passed papers among them, and went upon
his way. Many and varied were the questions asked by the professor, but
still more varied were the answers which were given, for some of his
teachings had fallen fertile minds, others had fallen among the semi-
fertile, while still others had fallen flat. And some there wrote for
one hour, others wrote for two, but some turned away sorrowful. And of
these, many offered up a little bull, as a sacrifice, in hope of pacify-
ing the professor, for these were the ones who had not a prayer. And
when they had finished, they gathered up their belongings, and went
quietly away, each in his own direction, and each one vowing to himself
in this manner: "I shall not pass this way again." But it is a long road
that hath no turning.

Here endeth the lesson.


This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you, so most of
the *really filthy* words have been replaced with "di-dah."

Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-dah,
Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-dah;
Di-dah-di di-dah.
Di-dah-di di-dah?
Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-fuck.

Thank you.

Dear Dr. Diag:

Note: Dr. Diag will attempt to answer questions on any subject, if he
can. If he can't, he'll make you feel stupid for asking. Send
your questions to "Dr. Diag" c/o Brent@Maine.BITNET.

>Dear Dr. Diag,
> This question has nothing at all whatsoever to do with computers,
>which is why I am asking you. You know all those advertisements and
>such that say "Void where prohibited?" I just want to know where
>these places are. Can you give me some examples of these places and
>why things are void in these areas?
>Sincerely, Brigadier Arthur St. John (Mrs.)

Dear Brigadier,
Actually, my friend, your question has *everything* to do with
computers because the phrase "void where prohibited" was actually written
by a computer! Long long ago when marketing and advertising were still
in their infancy, a young advertising firm was hired to represent the
Ace Sexual Toy company. The firm realized that the Ace products could
be harmfull if used by some sexually inexperienced person who just wasn't
prepared for the "ultimate sexual thrill" as their adds stressed would be
provided. And so, to protect themselves and the Ace Sexual Toy company
against lawsuits filed by people, (or the surviving members of their
families, or their pets) who sustained injury while using the
toys, they chose to print the phrase "Avoid if Inhibited" on each pack-
age. However, the packages were printed by a computer-automated system
and so the new phrase had to be entered on a word processor and then
uploaded to the main printing computer. Due to line noise between the
word processor and the main computer, and a stupid secretary who made
many typing mistakes and tried to delete them by using "White-Out" on
her terminal screen, the phrase was mis-transcribed as, you guessed it,
"Floydd is an Arachnid." The line noise was eventually ironed out
when the Ace company changed its image to become a top chain of hardware
stores and the phrase was changed to "Void where Prohibited." They did
keep one of their original Sexual Toy slogans: "Ace is the Place with

the Helpful Hardware Man."

>Dear Dr. Diag:
> Recently I found a keypunch in our computing center's dumpster.
>I took it home and plugged it in and everything seemed to be in working
>order. I was wondering if there were some way I could use this as a
>terminal? I mainly use the mainframe for graphics applications...
>Sincerely, 'Underfunded Computer Science Student'

Dear Underfun,
You should not attempt to use a discarded keypunch as a terminal

a) keypunches do not have knobs for "brightness" or "contrast",
(bad for your eyes);

b) the sound of the key-click on a keypunch is roughly approximated
by the Army Drum Corps' rendition of "Flight of the Bumblebee",
(bad for your ears);

c) a keypunch is very heavy and would probably kill you if it fell
on you while you weren't looking, (bad for your sex life).

Also, after crawling around in a dumpster, you'd be wise to have
yourself examined for lice, maggots, ants, worms, crabs, walruses, small

children, and other parasites.

>Dear Dr. Diag:
> I've just finished reading your answer to the N**1/2 sort algorithm
>question in Issue 17 of Nutworks. Your reply was sadly in error,
>but understandably so, as recent developments here at the Institute
>of Bizarre Machinations, Computer Seance Department, have not yet
>been published.
> After years of dilligent research by Institute faculty, we have
>devised sorting algorithms with efficiencies of N**1/2, N**1/N, and
>yes, even N**1/-N**N/N/N/N/N !!! Let me provide you with a few
>The Whoops Sort - wherein some number of items are accidentally
> lost. Obviously, the efficiency of this sort is inversely
> proportional to the number of items misplaced.
>The Deletion Sort - The key field of each item is scanned in
> sequential order, and if it is out of sequence, the item is
> deleted, relieving us of the necessity for writing an insertion
> routine.
>Drop Sort, Shuffle Sort - particularly useful for sorting records
> stored offline on media such as cards, floppy disks, twelve platter
> removable disk packs, etc.
>The Static Sort - wherein the existing sequence of items to be
> sorted is deemed to be "good enough"; one of the greatest
> achievements in Artificial Intelligence to date.
>So, Dr. Diag, in closing, I admonish you: NEVER say "NEVER"!
> Dr. Fred "Bob" Pfeiffererer
> Chairman,
> Department of Computer Seances
> Institute of Bizarre Machinations
> Anytown, USA
> (Bruce Bettis < BEB@UNO>)

Dear Dr. Fred "Bob",
As one Doctor to another, in the age old tradition of the free and
generous exchange of information and knowledge, just let me say this:


>Dear Dr. Diag:
> How many micros does it take to make a mini? Then, how many minis
>does it take to make a main?
>Computerly yours, Mr. Add'em Up

Dear Mr. Adam,
Given that the average mainframe occupies a volume of three
cubic meters, the average volume of a mini is one cubic meter and
the average volume of a micro (including monitor) is 25 liters,
then we arrive at the result of:

27 minis = 1 main
40 micros = 1 mini
1080 micros = 1 main

Bear in mind that these numbers would be bigger if you crunched the
computers up with something like a sledgehammer or a large rock.

bcjb & smth

Law as it Should Be

Submitted by Bill Myers < OP4@PSUVM>

One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down
the Avenue when just ahead of them walked a beautiful woman. One of the
men turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night
with that woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark
and turned around. She said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat
appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion goodnight
the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately
went to bed.
The following morning he presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to
leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me
the other $25.00 I'll sue you." He laughed saying, "I'd like to see you
get it on those grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering him
to court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and ex-
plained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't get judge-
ment on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case is
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court
as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece
of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length
of time, for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possesion of the pro-
perty, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but
upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00, one half of the amount
agreed upon.
"The rent was not expensive, since this was restricted property, and
was not available to all, and we ask judgement be granted against the
defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his
opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was some what
altered from the way he had originally planned to present the case.
"Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a fine
piece of property, that he did rent such property from her for a time
and derived a degree of pleasure from this transaction. However, my
client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own
stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being performed
personally by him. We therefore claim the improvements on the property
were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was
adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We therefore
ask that judgement not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer came back with this: "Your honor, my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did
make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the
defendant not known the well existed, he would have never rented the
property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed his
stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so he
not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left a hole
much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily
accessible to little children. We therefore ask that judgement be



By: Evil Dondi < R747PD17@CMCCVB>

I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP-Goch, ...the Secret Welsh ART of SELF
FANTASTIC SECRETS of the SECRET world-famous method of SELF DEFENCE, kept
secret for centuries because of their DEADLY POWER to MAIM, KILL, SMASH,
HARM are now revealed to YOU in the English Language by a LLAP-GOCH
and so on ONLY in SELF DEFENCE. (This is just to cover ourselves, as you
will understand.)

WHY "At his own risk?"

BECAUSE if his fellow masters of LLAP-GOCH DISCOVER his IDENTITY, they
will PUNISH HIM SEVERELY for revealing the DEADLY secrets he had promised
to keep SECRET, without giving them a piece of the ACTION, and also
BECAUSE of the TERRIBLE risk of PUNISHMENT he runs under the Trades
Description Act.


IT is THE most DEADLY form OF SECRET self-DEFENCE that HAS ever been
widely advertised and available to EVERYONE.


Because THE most likely kind OF person TO answer THIS sort OF advertise-
ment HAS less trouble under-STANDING words if they ARE written in BIG

WHAT is LLAP-GOCH again?

It is an ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple I-D-E-A, which
is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK (Clausewitz) and the
most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE (Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore,
the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him
before he attacks YOU... Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has
UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!

No longer need you feel WEAK, helpless, INDECISIVE, NOT fascinating and
ASHAMED of your genital dimensions. No more need you be out-manoeuvred
in political debate!! GOOD BYE HUMILIATION, wisecracking bullies, Karate
experts, boxing champions, sarcastic vicars, traffic wardens; entire
panzer divisions will melt to pulp as you master every situation without
INADEQUACY. PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES. You will no longer look pitiful
and spotty to your GIRL FRIENDS when you leave some unsuspecting passer-
by looking like four tins of cat food! They will admire your MASTERY and
DECISIVENESS and LACK OF INADEQUACY and will almost certainly let you put
your HAND inside their BLOUSE out of sheer ADMIRATION. And after seeing
more of your expert disabling they'll almost definately go to bed with
you, although obviously we can't ABSOLUTELY guarantee this, still it's
extremely likely and would make learning LLAP-GOCH really worthwhile al-
though legally we can't PROMISE anything.

Why WELSH Art?

LLAP-GOCH was developed in Wales because for the average Welshman, the
best prospects of achieving a reasonable standard of living lie with the
acquisition of the most efficient techniques of armed robbery.

HOW do I learn?

No, you mean "How do YOU Learn." I know already.

HOW do You Learn?

You receive ABSOLUTELY FREE your own special personal LLAP-GOCH Picture
Book with hundreds of PHOTOGRAPHS and just a very few plain, clear and
simple, easy to understand words. Only a FOUR-SECOND WORK-OUT Each Day!
And you will be ready to HARM people!


WHAT Does it Cost?

This, like LLAP-GOCH, is a SECRET but you will find out sooner or later,


O.K. Hounourable Master, I accept your daring, hair-raising, mind-
boggling, blood-curdling, no-risk, half-price, free-trial offer to reveal
the secrets of LLAP-GOCH in a plain wrapper at once. Yes Master, I never
again want to be 'Weak In The Knees' and 'Chicken Out' and 'Wet My Pants'
when insulted and attacked. I agree never to abuse the principles of
LLAP-GOCH or consult a lawyer. I am over 4. I have an extra Y chromo-
some. Bill me later. I understand that if I am not completely satisfied
I have been had.
NAME _________________ AGE __ ADDRESS _____________
CITY _______________ STATE ____________ ZIP _______

Please also enroll me under your special Car Insurance Scheme. I under-
stand that I do not have to sign anything to make this completely binding

to me.

Two Priests

Submitted by Holly Lee Stowe < IHLS400@INDYCMS>

Two priests were killed in an automobile accident. Upon arriving at
the pearly gates they are informed that the computer is down and that
they will have to go back to earth for a week. They can go back as
anything they like and, with the computer down, nothing will count
against them.
The first priest tells St. Peter that he had always dreamt of being
an eagle soaring over the Rocky Mountains. "Go", says St. Peter, "you
are an eagle."
The second priest first reconfirms the fact that whatever he does
will not go into his record and then says, "Well, I've always wanted
to be a stud."
"Go," says St. Peter, "you are a stud."
A week passes and Gabriel comes to St. Peter to say that the system
is back up and it is time to fetch the two priests. "Well," says St.
Peter, "the first guy is easy to find. He's flying over the Rockies
somewhere near the Colorado-Wyoming border. The other guy's going to

be a lot harder to find: he's on a snow tire somewhere in Minnesota."

Frog Finance

Submitted by Richard Ward

A short while ago in a not so distant county there lived a frog in a
a pond. The frog owned half the pond, but the other half was open for
public recreation. Now, many people used that half of the pond, and the
ripples and waves they created really irritated the frog. Finally, fed
up, he decided to refinance his half and buy the other half, thus se-
curing for himself a ripple free future.
So the frog went to the bank, and talked to the Loan Officer, John
Caddyshack. The frog explained the situation, and asked about refinanc-
ing. Caddyshack was sympathetic, and asked for collateral. The frog
thought and thought, and finally reached into his pocket and pulled out
an object.
"That's interesting," said Caddyshack, "but what is it?"
"I don't know," said the frog, "but it has been in the family for
Caddyshack took the matter to the local VP, explained the situation
and showed the object. The VP took one look at the thing and exclaimed:
"Knick-knack, Caddyshack! Give the frog a loan!"

Issue018, (Volume IV, Number 4). May, 1987.