Nutworks magazine

Electronic Humor Magazine. Issue 008, Volume II. May, 1986.

NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by
Brent C.J. Britton and Leonard M. Friedman


"You're never too old to rock 'n' roll,
if you're too young to die..."

- Ian Anderson

NutWorks News

1) As mentioned previously, this will be the last issue of NutWorks
until next fall (although if you look during the summer, you might be
able to find a special summer issue on the servers). The NutWorks staff
would like to take this opportunity to wish our readers a happy and
healthy summer. We hope to here from you all again next fall.

2) The mailing list that has been used this year will self destruct
shortly after you receive this issue. We will attempt a certain amount
of selective choosing, to keep non-class accounts in our mailing list,
so many of you need not contact us again in the fall. But if you are
using a class account at present, and would like to be on the NutWorks
list next semester please send us mail containing your name, userid,
and nodeid next fall or when you get your new account.

3) NOTICE: Please DO NOT send mail or note requests for information
about NutWorks to any file server, including CSNEWS@MAINE, FORUM@TAMCBA,
or TCSSERVE@TCSVM NutWorks is made available on these file servers by
the permission of their respective owners/operators. Back issues of
NutWorks, and the current NutWorks information file, can be retrieved
from the servers with the command:


Requests for addition of your name to the NutWorks subscription list
should be sent (via MAIL) to BRENT@MAINE or < CALBC821@CUNYVM and not
to any file server.


From the Bridge

Captains Log:
Stardate: 860519
Commander Spock Reporting:

Q: "Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling in his cabin ?"
A: "Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before..."

Q: "What is the similarity between the Enterprise and toilet paper ?"
A: "They both revolve around Uranus (your anus) and wipe out Klingons
(cling ons)."

Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the
ship out of disgrace."

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to
pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that
they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in
the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security
officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the
natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back
in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out
of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is
suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free
and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the
Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk
et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its
five year mission.


Nuts & Bolts

by Brent C.J. Britton

Is that Leonard guy a nutcake or what, huh? Well friends, as they
say in Chernobyl, "Another school season, another 8000 megaRems peeling
at my skin until my bones stick out." Or, perhaps they don't say that.
I don't know. Current events is Lenny's department.
There seems to be a recent furor lately (by certain folk who are
inclined to ponder such things) as to what the letters IBM stand for.
All joking aside, IBM refers to the method by which IBM software doc-
umentation is written. You see, there is a common example used in
statistics classes regarding the idea that if several chimpanzees were
made to sit for an infinite time pounding haphazardly at the keyboard
of a typewriter, they would eventually produce all the great works of
Shakespeare; given an infinite time, they'd have to. At IBM, all
documentation is produced by a group of chimpanzees pounding haphaz-
ardly at typewriters, only they don't have an infinite time in which
to produce the stuff, so sometimes the end result comes out in less-
than-intelligible form. They have, however, trained the monkeys to
type "This page intentionally left blank" in record time. Oh, yeah,
so anyhow, IBM stands for "I Been hip'Motized." But I guess that's
another story.
By the way, we *all* know that "This page intentionally left
blank" is recursively incorrect, (i.e. actually WRITING "This page
intentionally left blank" on an otherwise blank page results in the page
being no longer blank, etc.). I suppose, technically, it should read:
"This page intentionally left ALMOST blank, if you don't count this
But what I'm wondering is why on Earth they bother to inform
the reader that the near-blankness of the page is NOT an error on IBM's
part, but is, in fact, a wholly decided upon event. The fact that they
DO tell us that they meant for the page to be blank--thereby violating
the purity of the page's blankness--implies, to me at least, they they
have a REASON for leaving the page blank. But then, if the page was
left blank for a reason--I mean if the page were destined to have some
ultimate value as a result of it's blankness--I suppose they wouldn't
be inclined to spoil the virgin blankness of the page by printing "This
page intentionally left blank" right smack in the middle, thereby rend-
ering the page useless, if, in fact, its usefulness is measured by it's
being blank, (which it isn't), due to the words which state that it is,
and, in fact, was meant to be. This is called a paradox (quack quack).
Clearly, the statement "This page intentionally left blank", can
never be literally correct if it appears on "this page" at all. (It can
be compared to the act of saying the words: "I'm not talking.") Perhaps
IBM should write "This page intentionally left blank" on ANOTHER page
and draw an arrow to the REAL blank page. Or perhaps they could index
all the intentionally blank pages in the front of the manual.
Oh well, I'm going to the beach. Have a fun summer.

And so it goes...


What is the new Russian national anthem ???
"You Light Up My Life."


as presented by Paul Holmgren
with additions and corrections by Holly Stowe

For years it was believed that light wes emitted from an electric
bulb; recent information has proven otherwise - dark is sucked into the
bulb - therefore, the bulb is a dark sucker.

There are many types and sizes of dark suckers. The largest
manufacturers of dark suckers are General Electric and Sylvania. Some
modern dark suckers utilize solid power to operate properly. Solid
power units can be purchased from Eveready, Exide, and Duracell.

The dark sucker theory proves the existance of dark suckers as well
as proving that dark is heaver than light. Some examples are as

Electric bulbs: There is less dark near the electric bulb than at a
distance of 100 feet when it is operating; therefore, it is sucking dark
and can be classified as a dark sucker. The larger the dark sucker, the
greater the distance it can suck dark. The larger the dark sucker the
greater its capacity of dark. The dark sucking capabilities are evident
when the dark sucker has reached its capacity and will no longer suck
dark. At that point you may notice the dark area on the inside portion
of the dark sucker. The larger the dark sucker, the larger the area of
dark found within. This type of dark sucker can be made directional by
placing a shield around a portion of the unit or behind it. This will
prevent dark from entering the dark sucker from that side thereby
extending the range of the dark sucker on the unprotected/unshielded

Candles - primitive dark suckers: There is more dark 30 feet from a lit
candle then there is at a distance of 3 feet. Proof of it's dark
sucking capabilities is relatively simple. Examine a new unused candle,
notice that the center core is not dark. Ignite the center core. Allow
the center core to burn for about 5 minutes. Notice the lack of dark
around the candle. Extinguish the candle flame. Notice that the center
core of the candle is now dark. The center core is a dark sucker
protected by a soft insulator to extend it's life expectancy and
maintain rigidity to verify that this primitive dark sucker is operating
properly. Ignite the center core and allow it to burn for a minimum of
2 minutes. Pass a clean pencil over the top of the flame, left to right,
approximately 3 inches above the center core. Notice that there is no
dark on the pencil. Pass the pencil over the center core now about 1/2
inch. Notice that the pencil now has a dark area. The pencil blocked
the path of the dark being sucked to the core of the dark sucker. This
type dark sucker is very primitive and does not suck dark any great
distance nor does it have a large capacity.

Dark sucker solid power units may be purchased locally at a variety
of outlets. Size does not determine the life expectancy of the dark
sucker solid power unit. These solid power units work with many modern
dark suckers, and absorb dark from the dark sucker. The absorbed dark
is converted to solid power within the unit.

An example of the conversion of dark into solid power in the
automobile of today. Notice an auto in use during dark hours. Two
(possibly four) large dark suckers are located on the front. On the
rear there are two (or 3) smaller dark suckers with red filters. You
may also notice several dark suckers with yellow filters. These filters
are required to remove a percentage of red and yellow from total dark so
as to energize the solid power unit. The solid power unit permits the
auto to be utilized during hours of no dark by the dark it has absorbed.
The number of dark suckers varies with the age of the automobile. Newer
automobile solid power units require a greater percentage of red
filtered dark. Older units generally require more non-filtered dark.
The solid power unit of the automobile has a dark interior. This can be
proved by cutting the solid power unit in half.

Dark is heavier than light. Dark always settles to the bottom of a lake
and/or river. Submerge just below the surface of a lake and you will
notice an absence of dark. Lower yourself to 15 feet below the surface
and you will notice a degree of darkness even on a sunny, bright day.
Lower yourself to 50 feet (or more) below the surface and you are in
total dark. Ergo, the dark has settled to the bottom; therefore, dark
is heavier than light. Modern technology has allowed us to utilize the
dark that has settled to the bottom of large rivers through the creation
of turbines which push the dark downriver to the ocean, which has a
larger holding capacity for dark and is a common safe storage location.
As the dark is passed through the turbine, a percentage of solid power
is removed and transmitted to various short term storage plants for many
usages. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to move the dark
from rivers to storage areas such as deep lakes or the ocean. The
Indians would paddle their canoes very little and not very deeply if
they were going in the direction of flow of dark so as not to slow it
down. However, if they were traveling opposite the natural flow of
dark, they would dig their paddles very deep and rapidly to assist the
flow of dark to its ocean storage place.

Dark is faster than light. If you would open a drawer very slowly, you
will notice that the light goes into the drawer. (You can see this
happen.) You cannot see the dark leave the drawer. Continue to open
the drawer and light will continue to enter the drawer; however, you
will not see any dark leave the drawer. Therefore, dark is faster than
light. Go into a closet, close the door, and turn off the dark sucker.
Have a friend open the door about 1 inch. Your friend will not see any
dark leave the closet, nor will you. Have your friend open the door
until half the closet is dark and half is light. Since 2 objects cannot
occupy the same space at the same time, and you do not feel any change
in pressure, by compressing the dark, it is logical to assume that dark
is faster than light.

One last proof.

What is a by-product of movement of dark? Heat. What is a by-
product of dark suckers? Heat, again.

Therefore a dark sucker generates heat during its operation, sucking
dark from the surrounding area.

How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
"None. They *are* light bulbs."

What I Like About The Telephone

By Dave Barry

What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in
touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you
magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night. These
people have been abducted by large publishing companies and
placed in barbed-wire enclosures surrounded by armed men with
attack dogs.

Caller: Hello, Mr. Barry?
Me: No this is Adolf Hitler.
Caller: Of course. My mistake. The reason I'm calling you at 11:30
at night, Mr. Hitler, is that I'm conducting a marketing
survey, and...
Me: Are you selling magazine subscriptions?
Caller: Magazine subscriptions? Me? Selling them? Ha Ha. No.
Certainly not. Not at all. No, this is just a plain old
marketing survey. (Sound of dogs barking.)
Me: Well, what do you want to know?
Caller: Well, I just want to ask you some questions about you household,
such as how many people live there, and what their ages are and
whether any of them might be interested in subscribing to
Me: I don't want to subscribe to anything, you lying piece of slime.
Caller: How about Time? Sports Illustrated? American Beet Farmer?
Me: I'm going to hang up.
Caller: No! (The dogs get louder) Please! You can have my daughter!
Me: (Click.)

The first telephone systems were primitive "party lines" where
everybody could hear what everybody else was talking about.
This was very confusing:

Bertha: Emma? I'm calling to tell you I seen you boy Norbert shootin'
his musket at our goat again, and if you don't...

Clem: This ain't Emma. This is Clem Johnson, and I got to reach
Doc Henderson, because my wife Nell is all rigid and foaming
at the mouth, and if she don't snap out of it soon the roast
is going to burn.
Emma: Norbert don't even own a musket. All he got is a bow and
arrow, and he couldn't hit a steam locomotive from six feet,
what with his bad hand, which he got when your boy Percy bit
it, and which is festerin' pretty bad.
Doc Henderson: You better let me take a look at it.
Bertha: The goat? Oh, he ain't hurt that bad, Doc. He's skittery
on account of the musket fire.
Clem: Now she's startin' to roll her eyes around. Looks like two
hard-boiled eggs.
Caller: Hi I'm conducting a marketing survey is Mr. Hitler at home?
Clem: No, but I'll take a year's worth of American Beet Farmer.

The party line system led to a lot of unnecessary confusion
and death, so the phone company devised a system whereby you
can talk to only one person at a time, although not necessarily
the person you want. In fact, if you call any large company,
you will Never get to talk to the person you're calling.
Large companies employ people who are paid, on a commission
basis, solely to put calls on hold. These people are trained
by the airline reservations clerks. The only exception is
department stores, where all calls are immediately routed
to whichever clerk has the most people waiting.

But we should never complain about our telephone system.
It is the most sophisticated system in the world, yet it is
the easiest to use. Fore example, my 20-month-old son,
who cannot perform a simple act like eating a banana
without getting most of it in his hair, is perfectly
capable of direct-dialing Okinawa, and probably has.
In another year, he'll be able to order magazine subscriptions.

What was the initial reaction of Gorbachev to the accident at Chernobyl?
"I said Bud Light."

P.O. Box 150
Tulsa, Oklahoma 74102

Dear Sir:

I have been a regular customer of the Shell Oil Company for several
years now, and spend approximately $40.00 per month on Shell products.
Until recently, I have been completely satisfied with the quality of
Shell products and with the service of Shell employees.

Included in my most recent statement from your department was a bill
for $12.00 for a tire which I purchased at the Lowell I. Reels Shell
Station in McAdenville, North Carolina. I stopped at this station for
gasoline and to have a timing malfunction corrected. The gasoline cost
$5.15; eight new plugs cost $9.36; labor on the points cost $2.50. All
well and good. Earlier in the day I had had a flat tire, which the
attendant at the Lowell I. Reels station informed me that he was unable
to fix. He suggested that I purchase a tire from him in order that I
have a spare for the remainder of my journey to Atlanta. I told him
that I preferred to buy tires from my home station in Atlanta, but he
continued to stress the risk of driving without a spare. My reluctance
to trade with an unknown dealer, even a Shell dealer, did not discourage
him and finally, as I was leaving, he said that, out of concern for my
safety (my spare was not new) and because I had made a substantial
expenditure at his station, he would make me a special deal. He
produced the tire ("Hits a good one. Still has the tits on it. See
them tits. Hits a twenty dollar tar.") which I purchased for twelve
dollars and which he installed on the front left side for sixty-five
cents. Fifty miles further down the highway I had a blowout.

Not a puncture which brought a slow, flapping flat, nor a polite
ladyfinger - firecracker rubberbubble rupture (pop), but a howitzer
blowout, which reared the hood of the car up into my face, a blowout,
sir, which tore a flap of rubber from this "tire" large enough to make
soles for BOTH sandals of a medium sized hippie. In a twinkling, then,
I was driving down Interstate 85 at sixty miles per hour on three tires
and one rim with rubber clinging to it in desperate shreds and patches,
an instrument, that bent, revolving, steel-then-rubber-then-steel rim,
whose sound can be approximated by the simultaneous placing of a handful
of gravel and a young chick into a Waring Blender. The word "careen"
does no justice whatever to the movement that the car performed.
According to the highway patrolman's report, the driver in the adjoining
lane, the left lane -- who, incidentally, was attempting to pass at the
time --, ejaculated adrenaline all over the ceiling of his car. My own
passengers were fused into a featureless quiver in the key of 'G' in the
back seat of my car. The rim was bent; the tits were gone; and you can
fuck yourself with a cream cheese dildo if you entertain for one moment
the delusion that I intend to pay the twelve dollars.

Sincerely yours,
Timothy B. Tieslau

Contributed by David Salzman < DAVID@UCHISTEM>

The Boss

For those who have trouble with authority:

Once upon a time . . .
The different body parts started an argument over who should be the
boss of the body.
The heart said, "I pump all of the blood, so I should be the boss."
The legs said, "We move the body everywhere, so we should be the boss."
The lungs said, "We supply the oxygen, so we should be the boss."
The eyes joined in, "We see everything; we should be the boss."
The brain chimed, "I control all of those functions, I should be
the boss."
And finally the rectum said, "I should be the boss!"
All of the other body parts broke out in hysterical laughter and said,
"Why would we ever choose you as the boss?"
The rectum did not respond and just closed up.
About three days later, The heart was having trouble pumping, the legs
were very wobbly, the lungs could hardly move, the eyes were blurry and
the brain was cloudy.
Hence, they all decided to let the rectum be the boss. The moral of
the story:

You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole.

James L. Levesque


By Michael Morey

You know, here in the trailer court, we have this couple living
next door, and when Ted doesn't have anything to do, he argues
with his wife. Ted and his wife don't get along too good at all.
The other day, Ted took his wife to the doctor. After the doctor
examined her, he came out and said, "Ted, I just don't like the
way your wife looks at all." Ted said, "Well doc, to tell you the
truth, I ain't exactly crazy about the way she looks either, but
she sure is good with the kids." Yeah, Ted's wife, she ain't
too good looking. I don't want to say she's ugly, but every
time they get a little low on spending money, Ted rents her out
to cure the hiccups. Ted says she has kind of an early-american
look about her; he says she looks just like a buffalo.
Ted's wife talks a lot too, he figures she speaks up to 140 words
a minute, with gusts up to 180. Only time she stops is when her
mother starts. Old Ted, yeah, he always gets in the last word, even
if its "Yes, dear." Yup, Ted's wife, she has a double chin on her...
The way she talks, too much work for just one.
Ted walked up to me the other day, said "Boy, my wooden leg pained
me somethin' awful last night." I said, "Oh, come on, Ted, you know
your wooden leg can't pain you." He said "when my wife picks it up
and hits me over the head with it, it sure does."
Poor old Ted, he stays in trouble at home. Last week he came up to
me with a big black eye. I asked him "What in the world happened to
you? I thought your wife was visiting her mother." He said "that's
the did I!"
I remember the time he had a fight with his mother-in-law....she said
"If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee." Ted said, "by golly,
I'll tell you what, if you were my wife, I'd drink the dang stuff!"
One night last summer, he was sitting on their porch with a bottle of
whiskey. After she hollered at him a while, she took the bottle and took
a big swallow and said "This stuff tastes awful! I don't see how you can
drink this stuff!" Ted said "and all this time you thought I was sitting
out here having a good time."

And now for something completely normal:
This issue's Shaggy Dog...

A man one day went on a journey in the heart of Africa. In africa the
mythical Foo bird lives. It has long been rumored that if a Foo bird
were to crap on you, that it was bad luck to wipe it off. The man and
his party were walking through the jungle one day when all of a sudden
the man felt something land on his head. He had been crapped on by a
bird. The man was about to wipe it away, when a native guard ran over
and warned him that it was the Foo bird who had crapped on him. Knowing
of the ancient superstition the man tried to calm the guide and took
his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped off his head. Less then a
minute later he dropped dead.

*** The Moral of The Story ***

If the Foo shits, wear it...