NUTWORKS - FREE FUNNY MAGAZINE (JOKES)
Tenth ** Collector's
Issue ** Edition!
Anniversary ** *
Issue!!! ** *
Electronic Humor Magazine. Issue 006, Volume II. March, 1986.
NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by
Brent C.J. Britton and Leonard M. Friedman
There is no such thing as reality...
1) Brand-spanking new NutWorks Info files are now available on
CSNEWS at MAINE and FORUM at TAMCBA, but if you're reading this, (and
we know you are) then you probably don't need/care to see anything in
the INFO file.
2) NutWorks in now available on TCSSERVE at TCSVM using the SENDME
command. Yup, we're spreading like the plague.
3) As you may have noticed, NutWorks is no longer being delivered
through the use of LISTSERV @ NCSUVM. We haven't noticed, but you may
4) Plans are under way for Netcon '86 (Spring) which is going to be
held in Boston, MA on Memorial Day weekend. For more info, contact any
of the following:
Lynn Snyder L64A1584 @ JHUVM
Marcelle Karp MARCE @ BITNIC
William Guttenplan GUTTENP @ BMACADM
Jim Harmening U40210 @ UICVM
Jeff Robinson JEDI @ USMVAX
That's right folks, it's time again for...
THE ALL-TIME LIST OF SUPERLATIVES!!!
Sillyest song title.........."Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron"
Sillyest animal noise........Gobble (But "Moo" runs a close second.)
Sillyest pizza topping.......Anchovies
Sillyest euphamism for
Sillyest Politician..........Claude Pepper
Sillyest Ronco product.......The "In-the-Shell Egg Scrambler"
Sillyest sexual toy..........Jello (all flavors)
Sillyest name for a
cartoon character...........Elmer Fudd
Sillyest nationality.........Canadian French. No, make that ALL French.
Sillyest college major.......Physical Education (Runner up: Philosophy)
Sillyest puctuation mark.....The Squigely Bracket
Sillyest Airline.............People's Express
Sillyest country name........Djibuti, Africa (pron'ced DEE-JEE-BOO'-TEE)
Sillyest name for
a Rock band.................Jethro Tull
Sillyest pair of assholes....Grant/Rudman
Sillyest phrase.............."Now then..." (Think about it.)
Sillyest musical instrument..The Tuba
Sillyest American actor......Ronald Reagan
Sillyest American president..Ronald Reagan
Sillyest name for a
Sillyest American city.......Tuscaloosa
Sillyest bodily function.....The Fart
Sillyest name for a
brand of Coffee..............Choc Full O' Nuts
Sillyest Sport...............Crocodile Wrestling
Sillyest name for a
Sillyest T.V. game show......Press Your Luck ("Big bucks, no whammies!")
Sillyest game show host......Wink Martindale
Sillyest word in the
Sillyest holiday.............Groundhog Day
Sillyest name for a
Sillyest reason to form a
computer network............Because It's There
And it came to pass that the ART majors were required by their
college to partake of the computer class, so that they would acquire
an education of well-roundedness.
And the Dean saw that it was good.
Struggled they, to fathom the computer. Much documentation did
Came they to the final exam. "Define the following:" was the only
Did they their best. Here be their answers:
CPU: "This is the central processing unit usually
--- pictured above the memory on the diagram located
almost 30 times in my notes."
BIT: "Binary Digit. Represents either or something but
--- nothing in between."
"Most machines have 8 bits."
B Disk: "The B disk is were (sic) all of our assignments
"This disk on someone else's virtual machine of
which we can only read the material from."
SCRIPT: "A device which by adding control words, you can
------ make an assignment neater."
"SCRIPT is a format. You string everything
together to make nice neat margins so you leave
OP SYS: "An operating system is a giant program which is
------ always running in the computer and it runs the
VM: "The virtual machine is physically 'real', but in
-- terms of the large really 'real' computer my
'machine' is only the virtual terminal upon which
HEX: "Hexadecimal notation is a spurious character
--- appearing often in the form of a period in a line
of input in your file."
BASIC: "To calculate the total employee you must add one
----- to each employee."
COMMANDS: "We have to type asterusis in our console file."
-------- "COPY (a variable in a PLC program) is a location
where the translated alphabits are stored."
"The command Print fn ft sends the file to my
"The command L * SCRIPT (Date means the names of
file on A disk go to screen, using SCRIPT to
format on a certain day."
RESUME: "I have extreme competence in dealing with the
And great was the professor in his mirth.
This is the little subscription leaflet that you never see in normal
magazines because it always falls out onto the floor, and lands in the
dog dish. Notice how ours stays *in* the magazine! Just another fine
example of the superior quality of NutWorks magazine!
Of the following, which box would you be more likely to check:
+--+ YES! I would LOVE to receive issues of NutWorks magazine at NO
| | charge! This IS an amazing deal that I'd have to be positively
+--+ CRAZY to turn down! I will be anxiously awaiting the arrival of
each new issue, so please RUSH NutWorks to me as soon as possible!
+--+ NO! I am a complete moron, and a poop-head. I'm not interested
| | in your stupid magazine, and if I see it, I'll purge it. Don't
+--+ ever send me anything. I hate you. Bleah! Pthooey.
If you checked the "YES" box, why don't you send a mail file to the
editorial staff and let us know? If you checked the "NO" box, you are
a mindless jerk and deserve to be nailed to a tree by your eyelids.
"So, if this Khadaffy guy is such a hot shot,
why is he only a Colonel?"
In the beginning, IBM created the hardware and the
software. And the software was without form, and zeroes were
upon the face of the disks. And the sysgen moved upon the
face of the drum. And IBM said, "Let there be system," and
it was "genned". And IBM saw the system, and it was buggy.
And IBM divided the light from the dark, and called the
light OS, and the dark HASP. And the cold start and the warm
start were the first crash.
And IBM said, "Let there be a supervisor in the midst of
core, and let it divide the regions from the regions." And
IBM called the supervisor MVT. And the cold start, and the
warm start were the second crash.
And IBM said, "Let the programs in the machine be
gathered into one area," and it was so. And it called the
area LINKLIB, and the rest EXTRALIB, and IBM saw that it was
good. And IBM said, "Let the supervisor bring forth (CLG)
initiators, and the initiators running programs, and the
programs yielding output, each to it's own dataset," and IBM
saw that it was good. And the cold start, and the warm start
were the third crash.
And IBM said, "Let there be lights on the console to
divide the wait's from loops, and let them be for the
operators and for the programmers. And IBM made five great
lights: the system light to rule the CPU, the wait light to
command the operators -- He made the PSW also. And the cold
start, and the warm start were the fourth crash.
And IBM said, "Let the disk bring forth abundantly the
utilities that hath bugs, and appendages may fly above the
system in supervisor state." And IBM created the great
compilers, and every subroutine that runneth and IBM saw
that it was good. And the cold start and the warm start were
the fifth crash.
And IBM said, "Let the core bring forth the linkage
editor after it's kind, for object modules and load
modules," and it was so. And IBM said, "Let us make users in
our own image and let them have dominion over the readers
and over the printers and over the disks and over all of the
system, and over every bug in HASP that lurketh beneath the
nucleus." And IBM created the user in His own image, and IBM
blessed them, and said, "Be fruitful and multiply and add
and subtract and divide, and fill the queues." And IBM said,
"Behold, I have given you every procedure bearing JCL which
is on the face of the PROCLIB. And IBM saw that it was good.
And the cold start and the warm start were the sixth crash.
Thus the hardware and the software were finished, and all
the troubles with them. And on the seventh day IBM unbundled
the work that it had made, and rested from producing. And
IBM sanctified the unbundling and blessed it -- because on
it, IBM rested and created a larger profit.
(The "answers" to these shaggy dog stories are at the bottom of this
Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle, was innocently leaping from tree to
tree one fine day, when a band of crazed cannibals ambushed and killed
him. They devoured him almost immediately, except for the lining of
his stomach which they stretched over a hollow log to make a bongo drum,
and gave it to the son of the chief cannibal. The boy was delighted
with his new drum and played it constantly for weeks. Until one day,
he came crying to his father the chief. "Daddy," he whimpered, "my
bongo drum rotted away."
"Son," replied the chief, "you can't play 'Tarzan's Tripe Forever.'"
And then there was the story of the guy who played the harp for the
local orchestra. After a particularly boring day at orchestra practice,
he and some friends decided to stop in at Sam's Disco for a quick dance
and perhaps a drink or two. Not wanting to leave his valuable harp in
the car where it could easily get stolen, he brought it into Sam's with
Well, the "quick drink" soon turned into several rounds, and our
harp player soon began to stagger and yell and cause such a commotion
that Sam had to throw him out of the disco and send him home.
He awoke the next morning, his head pounding, and slowly began to
dress for orchestra practice. As he was about to leave, he discovered
that his harp, his pride and joy, was missing. "Oh no!" he gasped.
And with a deep sigh, he began to sing, "I left my harrrrrrp...
in Sam's damn discooooooo..."
Long time ago, there lived great Indian warrior named Shortcake.
Shortcake in love with Squaw who lived on other side of great river.
Many moons, him sit on bank of great river, watching Squaw who sit on
other side. Many times, him decide to swim across great river, but him
coward. Him build boat and paddle. But boat sink, and him die.
Squaw jump in water and drag out body of Shortcake. And then,
'Squaw bury Shortcake.'
Roy Rodgers was so delighted with his new pair of cowboy boots
that he walked into town to show them off. But on the way into
town, a cougar jumped out from behind a bush and attacked him. Roy
tried his best to escape from the cougar, but his new boots weren't
broken in yet and their stiffness made it hard for him to run. Regret-
fully, he pulled them off and ran away without them. The cougar was
overjoyed at this, and it tore the discarded boots to shreds.
Roy, now very angry at the loss of his prize boots, went home, took
out his shotgun, and went looking for that cougar.
When he returned, the dead cougar slung over his shoulder, his wife
met him at the door. When she saw the cougar, she said, "Pardon me
Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"
When the first team of explorers landed on Planet X, they found that
the inhabitants were nothing more than little balls of fur with arms and
legs. The explorers called the creatures "Furries" and soon found that
the Furries were very adept at manufacturing things. Whenever the
explorers needed anything, they just had to go look, and most assuredly
there was a Furry somewhere who produced it. But the Furries all looked
alike, so, to make it easy for the explorers, each of the Furries wore
his particular product on the top of his head. The Furry who sold
radios had a radio on top; the one who made dishes had a dish on top;
and so forth.
One day, one of the explorers, a diabetic, ran frantically into
the explorers' headquarters. "My needle broke!" he cried, "How will
I ever be able to take my insulin!?"
The others, unconcerned, sang to him:
"If you need those drugs in a hurry,
It's okay, no sweat, don't worry,
Just go see that cute little 'Furry with the Syringe on top...'
Answers: I.........'Stars and Stripes Forever'
II........'I Left My Heart in San Francisco'
IV........'Pardon me boy, is that the
V.........'The Surrey With the Fringe On Top'
And now, a news flash from the world
Dateline Hollywood: In a brief news conference today at Ripgore
Recording Studios, it was announced that yet another benefit concert
will be held in April to aid the starving masses in Etheopia. This
time, the contributing groups will all be Heavy Metal bands. But what
will make this concert different is, instead of performing one after
the other, the participating bands will all play on the same stage
simultaneously. Furthermore, all the bands will each be performing
different songs, again, simultaneously. The reason for this unprece-
dented schedule was not given, but one of the participating artists
said that it would be a "stimulating experience."
The concert, dubbed "Twisted-Helical-Iron-Scorpion-Rat's-AC/DC-
Maiden-Sister's-Leopard-Kiss--Aid", was tentatively scheduled to be
held in Omaha, Nebraska, but due to the local zoning laws forbidding
any noise exceeding 250,000 decibels, the location was changed to The
Sea of Copernicus, the Moon. The concert will NOT be broadcast via
satellite, as it will easily be heard at every point in the known
Other "Aid" events to watch for...
Roller-Derby Queens benefit Derby...........RollAid
Secret Service benefit supper...............Presidential Aid
American Medical Association luncheon.......First Aid
The Wall Street Charity bonds...............Financial Aid
American Cinemas benefit movies.............Visual Aid
Fisherman's Union benefit Fish Fry..........MermAid
We're sorry, but this issue of NutWorks has had its appendix removed.
Damn! How can we ever wear our new French bikini with this ugly scar!?
----X----X----X----X----X---- <---- ugly scar