Free NUTWORKS funny computer magazine VOL2 number 4

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NutWorks is a collection of essays, jokes, and other absolutely knee-slapping things. It was distributed in the 80's via BBS systems. A BBS is a Bulletin Board System. If you don't know what a BBS is, ask your granddad. Let's just say it was sort like the Internet but completely different.

Nutworks, the funny electronic computer magazine at netogram.com

NUTWORKS - FREE FUNNY MAGAZINE (JOKES)
NutWorks ---------- The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine Which States That Reality Is For People Who Can't Handle Drugs. December 1985 Issue 4, Volume II. NutWorks is Published monthly. Leonard M. Friedman aka Spock (C821@CUNYVM" TITLE="E-mail CALBC821@CUNYVM" > CALBC821@CUNYVM) Virtual Editor in Chief.

From the Bridge

Captains Log: Stardate 850212 Commander Spock Reporting.

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Seasons *-- --* Happy
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Greetings *-- --* New
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and *-- --* Year
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From The NutWorks Staff

NutWorks News

1) The NutWorks Staff hopes everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend and also hopes that everyone is not still suffering from turkeyitis. Note: Turkeyitis is a disease most common around Thanksgiving time where one makes a large turkey for company and winds up eating the leftovers for the next several days (in really bad cases weeks) afterward. 2) Plans are underway for Netcon '86 (Spring) which is going to be held in Boston, Mass. It is going to be held Memorial Day weekend. For more information contact any of the following: Lynn Snyder L64A1584 @ JHUVM Marcelle Karp MARCE @ BITNIC William Guttenplan GUTTENP @ BMACADM 3) Nutworks will be avialable for Bitnet users on the Forum Confer- encing system via the /getf Nutworks Issue### command. Back issues have already been placed on Forum. For Usenet users it will be avail- able through Alan (ALAN@NCSUVM.bitnet" TITLE="E-mail ALAN@NCSUVM.bitnet" > ALAN@NCSUVM.bitnet). For more information please consult the NutWorks Info File availalbe in a solar system near you !!! 4) The Staff has decided that on top of distributing NutWorks through the Forum Conferencing System to create a mailing list. To get yourself added to this list send a memo with your account, node, and name (First, Last) to any of the following: Lenny aka Spock CALBC821 @ CUNYVM (Bitnet) Scott aka Orion CSCSRH @ CCNYVME (Bitnet) Alan aka Alan Alan @ NCSUVM (Bitnet, Usenet) Note: Names are strictly for reference purposes. 5) NutWorks is also available on SERVER at TAMCBA. Note: SERVER is 11 nodes from CUNYVM. 6) Brent CJ Britton is no longer involved with NutWorks. Please DO NOT send any correspondence to him.

A Day Off

So, you want the day off ??? Let's take a moment to look at what you are asking for. 1 There are 365 days available for work. 2 There are 52 weeks per year of which you already have 2 days off each weekend, leaving 261 days left available for work. 3 Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work that accounts for 170 days. There are 91 left available for work. 4 You spend 30 minutes each day on breaks that accounts for 23 days a year, leaving 68 days available for work. 5 You spend 1 hour a day at lunch, that that accounts for another 46 days per year leaving 22 days available for work. 6 You spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving 20 days available for work. 7 You take 9 holidays per year, leaving 11 days available for work. 8 You take 10 days vacation each year, leaving 1 day left available for work. --- NO WAY --- Are you going to take THAT day off. Let's take a moment to look at what you are asking for...

Hi there! With Christmas about to sneak upon us, I though that this article may be of interest to us NUTWORKS readers. This was originally published in the 12/19/83 issue of COMPUTERWORLD and is written by Richard Carter of Stone & Webster in Boston, MASS. (Contributed by KHAAV @ ASUACAD) 'Twas the week before Christmas He was not very tall And all thru Tech. Supp. And more chubby than thin; Not a phone bell was ringing, His nose matched his clothes Not a system was up And his face wore a grin. My keyboard was silent He set right to work In a 'NOT POLLING' state; Knowing just what to do I had a blank screen And he didn't stop once On my 3278. Until he was through. The manuals were sitting He pulled from the units Straight up on the shelves The strangest of things, In hope they'd be stolen From four calling birds By demented, old elves. To five golden rings. And I in my office, He cast out the items, My face in my hand, Piece after piece, Had just blown the system And one of us fainted With an 'SPQ COMMAND.' When he pulled out six geese. The users were roaming He said not a word. Outside near their bins, Except for some griping Gazing thru windows 'Cause he had to extract At the system within. Seven pipers piping. They saw thru the glass He gave out a groan What a programmer dreads: And removed his black gloves, The printers were ripping Then reached right inside Their output to shreds. And removed two squashed doves. The console was blurred Debris filled the room By vague moving shapes Right up to the doors While tape drives digested 'Till he slammed shut the units Some Master-Files tapes. And said "It's all yours!" Operations was frantic We looked at each other And Systems was screaming: And said, "What the hell?" "Our CE's at lunch, Then pushed the blue button (Or off somewhere dreaming)." That said "IPL." The management came We heard a few clicks, And learned of our fate A groan and a glupp, Once again caught And wouldn't you know, In a Downtime Stalemate. The damn thing came up. "What can we do?" The FE just stood there One boss moaned in stress. with a smile on his face. "I wish we had someone As fix-it men go, To fix up this mess." This guy was an ace. Then all of a sudden He packed up his tools From outside the door And mounted his sleigh, We heard a great crash Stuck his thumb to his nose And dived for the floor. And went on his way. And then to our eyes We watched as he flew Appeared a great sled Off into the night And inside, an FE Until in the dark (Who was dressed in all red). He vanished from sight. He was covered with ink Yet we heard him exclaim From his head to his toe And it was sort of dim, And commented loudly "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, "I wish it were snow." But don't call again."

BABBAGE --- the language of the future

Copied from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute by Tim McDonough (<- NU099138@NDSUVM1.BITNET" TITLE="E-mail NU099138@NDSUVM1.BITNET" > NU099138@NDSUVM1.BITNET) There are few things in this business that are more fun than designing a new computer language, and the very latest is ADA - the Department of Defense's new supertoy. ADA, as you know, has been designed to replace outmoded and obsolete languages such as COBOL and fortran. The problem is that this cycle takes 20 to 30 years and won't start until we're really convinced present languages aren't any good. We can short-circuit this process by starting on ADA's replacement right now. Then, by the time we decide ada is obsolete, its replacement will be ready. The new generation of language designers has taken to naming its brian children after real people rather than resorting to the usual acronyms. Pascal is named after the first person to build a calculating machine and ADA is named after the first computer programmer. As our namesake, we chose charles babbage, who died in poverty while trying to finish building the first computer. The new language is thus named after the first systems designer to go over budget and behind schedule. Babbage is based on language elements that were discovered after the design of ADA was completed. For instance, C.A.R. Hoare, in his 1980 ACM Turing Award lecture, told of two ways of constructing a software design: "One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies." The designers of Babbage have chosen a third alternative - a language that has only obvious deficiencies. Babbage programs are so unreliable that maintenace can begin before system integration is completed. This guarantees a steady increase in the debug job marketplace. Like Pascal, ADA uses "strong typing" to avoid errors caused by mixing data types. The designers of Babbage advocated "good typing" to avoid errors caused by misspelling the words in your program. Later versions of Babbage will also allow "touch typing", which will fill a long-felt need. A hotly contested issue among language designers is the method for passing parameters to subfunctions. Some advocate "call by name", others prefer "call by value". Babbage uses a new method "call by telephone". This is especially effective for long-distance parameter passing. ADA stresses the concept of software portability. Babbage encourage hardware portability. After all, what good is a computer if you can't take it with you? It's a good sign if your language is sponsored by the government. COBOL had government backing, and ADA is being funded by the department of defense. After much negotiation, The department of sanitation has agreed to sponsor Babbage. No subsets of ADA are allowed. Babbage is just the opposite. None of Babbage is defined except its extensibility - each user must define his own version. To end the debate of large languages versus small, Babbage allows each user to make the language any size he wants. Babbage is the ideal language for the "ME" generation. The examples that follow will give some idea of what Babbage looks like. Structured languages banned GOTOs and the multiway conditional branches by replacing them with the simpiler If-Then-Else structure. Babbage has a number of new conditional statements that act like termites in the structures of your program: What If - Used in simulation languages. Branches before evaluating test conditions. Or Else - Conditonal threat, as in: "Add these two numbers or else!" Why Not? - Executes the code that follows in a devil-may-care fashion. Who Else? - Used for polling during I/O operations. Elsewhere - This is where your program really is when you think it's here. Going Going Gone - For writing unstructured programs. Takes a random branch to another part of your program. Does the work of 10 GOTOs. For years, programming languages have used "FOR", "DO UNTIL"," DO WHILE", etc. to mean "LOOP". Continuing with this trend, Babbage offers the following loop statements: Don't Do While Not - This loop is not executed if the test condition is not false (or if it's Friday afternoon). Didn't Do - The loop executes onces and hides all traces. Can't Do - The loop is pooped. Won't Do - The CPU halts because it doesn't like the code inside the loop. Execution can be resumed by typing "MAY I" at the console. Might Do - Depends on how the cpu is feeling. executed if the cpu is "UP", not executed if the CPU is "DOWN" or if its feelings have been hurt. Do Unto Others - Used to write the main loop for timesharing systems so that they will antagonize the users in a uniform manner. Do-Wah - Used to write timing loop for computer-generated music (rag timing). Every self-respecting structured language has a case statement to implement multiway brancing. Algol offers an indexed case statement and Pascal has a labeled case statement. Not much of a choice. Babbage offers a variety of case statements: The Just-In-Case statement - For handling afterthoughts and fudge factors. Allows you to multiply by zero to correct for accidentally dividing by zero. The Brief Case statement - To encourage portable software. The Open-And-Shut case statement - No proof of correctness is necessary with this one. The In-Any case statement - This one always works. The Hopeless case statement - This one never works. The Basket case statement - A really hopeless case. The Babbage Language Design Group is continuously evaluating new features that will keep its users from reaching any level of effectiveness. For instance, Babbage's designers are now consider- ing the almost equals sign, used for comparing two floating point numbers. This new feature "Takes the worry out of being close". No language, no matter how bad, can stand on its own. We need a really state-of-the-art operating system to support Babbage. After trying several commercial systems, we decided to write a "virtual" operating system. Everybody has a virtual memory operating system so we decided to try something a little different. our new operating system is called the Virtual Time Operating System (VTOS). While virtual memory systems make the computer's memory the virtual resource, VTOS does the same thing with CPU processing time. The result is that the computer can run an unlimited number of jobs at the same time. Like the virtual memory system, which actually keeps part of the memory on disk, VTOS has to play tricks to achieve its goals. Although all of your jobs seem to be running right now, some of them are actually running next week. As you can see, Babbage is still in its infancy. The babbage language design group seeking suggestions for this powerful new language and as the sole member of this group (all applications for membership will be accepted), I call on the data processing community for help in making this dream a reality.

"Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL"

PART II

THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK

Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no Real Programmer would be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer wants tasks of earth shaking importance (literally!). * Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers. * Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian transmissions. * It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies. * Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems for cruise missiles. Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter. The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within 80 +/-3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances. As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S. Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department decided that all Defense programs should be written in some grand unified language called "ADA" ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language that went against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly complex, and includes methods for messing with the operating system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it. Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike. The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers building video games at Atari, for example. (But not playing them -- a Real Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly because nobody has found a use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.

THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the computer room: * At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. * At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. * At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand. * At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary." * In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT

What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done. The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer term- inal. Surrounding this terminal are: * Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office. * Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush. * Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages. * Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969. * Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine. * Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions. * Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not - documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.) The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, and then finishing the rest in the last week, two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general: * No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night). * Real Programmers don't wear neckties. * Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes. * Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch. * A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table. * Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.

THE FUTURE

What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operating systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers? From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL program- mers the world over. Even more subtle tricks, like adding struc- tured coding constructs to FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops like God meant them to be. Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer -- two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in one place. (Not to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.) No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few years the popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN!

ACKNOWLEGEMENT

I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E., for their help in characterizing the Real Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS: mark for the initial inspiration.

REFERENCES

Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat Quiche", New York, Pocket Books, 1982. Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures = Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976. Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing", IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4, Dec. 4, 1980. Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors -- or -- a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis, MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, May 1980. Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1971, p. 110. Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct 1978. Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3 No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66. "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980. sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct 21 16:55:16 1982

A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax) a great Adventure (game?) took place... XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X It is a period of system war. User programs striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: The Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess Linker races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network...

THE CONTINUING SAGA OF THE ADVENTURES OF LUKE VAXHACKER When we had last left Luke, the Milliamp Falcon was being pulled down to the open collector of the Imperial Arem Star Workstation. Dec Vadic surveys the relic as Imperial Flunkies search for passengers... "LS scan shows no one aboard, sir," was the report. Vadic was unconvinced. "Send a fully equipped Ncheck squad on board," he said. "I want every inode checked out." He turned around (secondary channel) and stalked off. On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled. "They just walked in, looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't they see us?" .Con smiled. "An old munchkin trick," he explained. "See that period in front of your name?" .Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point. "Where'd that come from?" he asked. "Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the floating point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks accross file system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself. They are not going to be fooled for long, though. We'd better figure a way outa here."

<< At this point (.) the dialogue tends to wedge. Being the editor and in total control of the situation, I think it would be best if we sort of "gronk" the next few paragraphs. For those who care, our heroes find themselves in a terminal room of the Workstation, having thrashed several Flunkies to get there. For the rest of you, just keep banging the rocks together, guys. --Ed. >>

"Hold on," said Con. "It says we have `new mail.' Is that an error?" "%SYS-W-NORMAL, Normal, successful completion," said PDP-1. "Doesn't look like it. I've found the inode for the Milliamp Falcon. It's locked in kernel data space. I'll have to slip in and patch the reference count, alone." He disappeared through a nearby entry point. Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell started ringing loudly. "He keeps saying, 'She's on line, she's on line'," said 3CPU. "I believe that he means Princess LPA0:. She is being held on one of the privileged levels."

<< Once again, things get sticky, and the dialogue suffers the most damage. After much handwaving and general flaming, they agreed to rescue her. They headed for the detention level, posing as Flunkies (which is hard for most hackers) claiming that they had finally trapped the Bookie executing an illegal racket. They reached the block where the Princess was locked up and found only two guards in the header. -Ed.>>

"Good day, eh?" said the first guard. "How is it goin', eh?" said the other. "Like, what's that, eh?" "Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con. "Take off, it is not," said the first guard. "Nobody told US about it, and we're not morons, eh?" At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted "Look out, he's loose!" and they all started blasting ROMs left and right. The guards started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when the ROM blasters were turned on them. "Quickly, now," said Con. "What buffer is she in? It's not going to take long for these..." The intercom receiver interrupted him, so he took out its firmware with a short blast. "guys to figure out something is goin' on," he continued.

Will they or won't they end up in the galactic bit-bucket? Catch the next issue of Nutworks and find out. --Ed

OP CODES PART III (R - Z)

(Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM)

mnemonic meaning
-------- -------
RA Randomize Answer
RAM Reorganize and Abort Monitor
RASC Read And Shred Card
RAST Rewind And Stretch Tape
RAU Ridicule All Users
RBAO Ring Bell and Annoy Operator
RBG Random Bug Generate
RBLY Restore Backup from Last Year
RBT Read & Break Tape
RCAJ Read Card And Jam
RCB Read Commands Backwards
RCB Run Clock Backwards
RCC Read Card and Chew
RCCP Randomly Corrupt Current Process
RCF Rewind Cabinet Fans
RCKG Read Count Key and Garbage
RCR Rewind Card Reader
RCRV Randomly Convert to Reverse Video
RCSD Read Card & Scramble Data
RD Rewind Disk
RDA Refuse to Disclose Answer
RDD Reverse Disk Drive
RDF Randomize Directory Filenames
RDI Reverse Drum Immediate
RENVR Rename Variables Randomly
RET Read and Erase Tape
RIC Rotate Illogical thru Carry
RID Read Invalid Data
RIR Read Invalid Record
RIRG Read Inter-Record Gap
RIRG Rewrite Inter-Record Gap [random replacement of simil-
ar mnemonic"
RLC Re-read last card
RLC Relocate and Lose Core
RLI Rotate Left Indefinitely
RLP Refill Light Pen
RLP Rewind Line Printer
RM Re-initialize Meter
RM Ruin My files [UNIX]
RMI Randomize Memory Immediate
RMV Remove Memory Virtues
RN Read Noise
RNBS Reflect Next Bus Signal
RNR Read Noise Record
ROD ROtate Diagonally
ROM Read Operator's Mind
ROOP Run Out Of Paper
ROPF Read Other People's Files
ROS Reject Op System
ROT Rotate Disk [fixes broken drives]
RP Read Printer
RPAB Read Print And Blush
RPB Raise Parity Bits
RPB Reverse Parity & Branch
RPD Return Postage Due
RPM Read Programmer's Mind
RPU Read character and Print Upside down
RRB Read Record and Blush
RRC Rotate Random thru Carry
RRRA Read Record & Run Away
RRRL Random Rotate Register Left
RRSG Round and Round She Goes...
RS Random Slew
RSD Read and Scramble Data
RST Rewind and Stretch Tape
RST Rust
RT Reduce Throughput
RT Reverse Throughput
RTR Return To Register
RTS Return To Sender
RWRT Read While Writing While Ripping Tape
SAC stop air conditioner
SAD Seek And Destroy
SAF Sit And Flicker
SAI Skip All Instructions
SAS Sit And Spin
SC Scramble Channels
SC Shred Cards
SCB Spindle Card and Belch
SCCA Short Circuit on Correct Answer
SCH Slit Cards Horizontal
SCI Shred Cards Immediate
SCOM Set Cobol-Only Mode
SCRRC SCRamble Register Contents
SCST Switch Channel to Star Trek
SCTR Stick Card To Reader
SD Scramble Directory
SD Slip Disk
SDC Spool Disk to Console
SDDB Snap Disk Drive Belt
SDE Solve Differential Equations
SDI Self Destruct Immediately
SEB Stop Eating and Burp
SEX Set EXecution register [a real instruction for the RCA
1802"
SEX Sign EXtend
SFH Set Flags to Half mast
SFT Stall For Time
SFTT Strip Form Tractor Teeth
SHB Stop and Hang Bus
SHCD SHuffle Card Deck
SHIT Stop Here If Thursday
SHON Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent NO-OP]
SHRC SHRed Card
SHRT SHRed Tape
SID Switch to Infinite Density
SIP Store indefinite precision
SKIP don't SKIP
SLD Slip Disk
SLP Sharpen Light Pen
SLP Sharpen Light Pencil
SMC Scramble memory contents
SMD Spontaneous Memory Dump(Use only with classified data)
SMS Shred Mylar Surface
SMT Stretch MagTape
SNM Show No Mercy
SOAWP SOlve All the World's Problems
SOB [a real PDP-11 instruction]
SOD Surrender Or Die!
SOP Stop and Order Pizza
SOS Sign Off, Stupid
SP Scatter Print
SPA Sliding Point Arithmetic
SPD Spin dry disc
SPS Smoke Power Supply
SPSW Scramble Processor Status Word
SRBO Set Random Bits to Ones
SRBZ Set Random Bits to Zeroes
SRC Skip to Random Channel
SRCC Select Reader & Chew Cards
SRD Switch to Random Density
SRDR Shift Right, Double Ridiculous
SRO Sort with Random Ordering
SRR Set Registers to Random values [ usually used prior to
a RET or RTS"
SRR Shift Registers Random
SRSD Seek Record & Scar Disk
SRU Signoff Random User
SRZ Subtract & Reset to Zero
SSB Scramble Status Byte
SSD Stacker Select Disk
SSJ Stacker Select & Jam
SSJP Select Stacker and Jump
SSM Solve by Supernatural Means
SSP Smoke and SPark
SST Stop and Stretch Tape
ST Set and Test
STD Stop, Take Drugs
STN Search Tree for Nut
STPR SToP Rain
STTHB Set Terminal to Three Hundred Baud
SU Stacker Upset
SUI Subtract User's IQ
SUME SUrprise ME
SUP Solve Unsolvable Problem
SUR Screw Up Royally
SUS Stop Until Spring
SUS Subract Until Senseless
SWAT SWAp Terminals
SWN SWap Nibbles
SWOS SWap out Operating System
SWS Sort to Wrong Slots
SZD Switch to Zero Density
TARC Take Arithmetic Review Course
TBFTG Two Burgers and Fries To Go
TDB Transfer & Drop Bits
TDB Transfer and Drop Bits
TDS Trash Data Segment
TEP Terminate with Extreme Prejudice
TLNF Teach me a Lesson I'll Never Forget
TLO Turn indicator Lights Off
TLR Transfer & Loose Return
TLW Transfer and Lose Way
TN Take a Nap
TOG Time Out, Graduate
TOH Take Operator Hostage
TOOO Turn On/Off Operator
TOS Trash Operating System
TPD Triple Pack Decimal
TPE Translate Programmer to EBCDIC
TPDH Tell Programmer to Do it Him/Herself
TPO Toggle Power On
TPR Tear PapeR
TR Turn into Rubbish [UNIX]
TRA Te Rdls Arvs [Type Ridiculous Abbreviations]
TSH Trap Secretary and Halt
TSM Trap Secretary and Mount
TST Trash System Tracks
TT%CNK TeleType - Clunk Noise
TT%EKB TeleType - Electrify KeyBoard
TTA Try, Try Again
TTITT Turn 2400 foot tape Into Two 1200 foot tapes " Only
privileged users will get hubs on both tapes"
TTL Time To Log off
UAI Use Alternate Instruction set
UCB Uncouple CPU and Branch
UCK Unlock Console Keyswitch
UCPUB Uncouple CPU & Branch
UER Update & Erase Record
UMR Unlock Machine Room
UNPD Unplug and dump
UOP Useless Operation
UP Understand Program(mer)
UT Update Transaction
UTF Unwind Tape onto Floor
UUBR Use Undefined Base Register
VAX Violate All executions
VNO Violate Noise Ordinance
VPA Vanishing Point Arithmetic
VVM Vaporise Virtual Memory
WAD Walk Away in Disgust
WC Waste Core [UNIX]
WCR Write to Card Reader
WGPB Write Garbage in Process-control Block
WHP Wave Hands over Problem
WI Why Immediate
WID Write Invalid Data
WLBB Write-Lock Bit Bucket
WNHR Write New Hit Record
WNR Write Noise Record
WPET Write Past End of Tape
WSE Write Stack Everywhere
WSWW Work in Strange and Wondrous Ways
WUPO Wad Up Printer Output
WWLR Write Wrong Length Record
XIO eXecute Invalid Op code
XKF eXecute Kermit the Frog
XMB eXclusive MayBe
XOH eXecute no-Op and Hang
XOR eXecute OperatoR
XOS eXchange Operator's Sex
XPR eXecute Programmer
XPSW eXecute Program Status Word
XVF eXchange Virtue for Fun
ZAP Zero and Add Packed
ZD Zap Directory
ZNL Zero Next Location (opcode #0)
ZPI ZaP Immediate
ZPT Zero Page Tables
ZZF Zero Zero Flag

ZZZ hibernate indefinite

NutWorks Staff

Editor in Chief Lenny aka Spock CALBC821 @ CUNYVM Associate Editor Scott aka Orion CSCSRH @ CCNYVME Distribution Manager Alan aka Alan Alan @ NCSUVM Distribution FORUM Steve aka Segger STEVE @ BITNIC

Nutworks free computer magazines 1985-1990

January 1985 Volume 1 Number 1

February 1985 Volume 1 Number 2

March 1985 Volume 1 Number 3

April 1985 Volume 1 Number 4

September 1985 Volume 2 Number 1

October 1985 Volume 2 Number 2

November 1985 Volume 2 Number 3

December 1985 Volume 2 Number 4

February 1986 Volume 2 Number 5

March 1986 Volume 2 Number 6

April1986 Volume 2 Number 7

May 1986 Volume 2 Number 8

October 1986 Volume 3 Number 1

December 1986 Volume 3 Number 2

January 1987 Volume 4 Number 1

February 1987 Volume 4 Number 2

April 1987 Volume 4 Number 3

May 1987 Volume 4 Number 4

July 1987 Volume 5 Number 1

October 1987 Volume 5 Number 2

January 1988 Volume 6 Number 1

February 1988 Volume 6 Number 2

May 1988 Volume 6 Number 3

July 1988 Volume 6 Number 4

January 1989 Volume 7 Number 1

July 1989 Volume 7 Number 2

November 1989 Volume 8 Number 1

January 1990 Volume 8 Number 2

December 1990 Volume 8 Number 3

Index