Nutworks magazine

NutWorks is a collection of essays, jokes, and other absolutely knee-slapping things. It was distributed in the 80's via BBS systems. A BBS is a Bulletin Board System. If you don't know what a BBS is, ask your granddad. Let's just say it was sort like the Internet but completely different.

Vol. 1 January, 1985 Issue001
Num. 1
The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those
Who Teeter on the Precipice of Insanity

== A B r i e f E d i t o r i a l ==

As was mentioned in a previous correspondance, "NutWorks" is a collection of essays, jokes, and other absolutely knee-slapping things. An attempt is made to find original works, but some things may appear that are either older than Moses's toes, or have flashed across every terminal from here to Barsoom. Repetition is very very good; maybe you'll like them better this time around. Some of the articles located herein are unsigned in that I have little or no idea who wrote them. If you wrote something that gets printed here, one would think you'd be happier about it than if you were relaxing comfortably at poolside under the shade of Dolly Pardon's rib cage. But if you really don't like the fact that I used your work, everyone will think you're a mindless jerk and never speak to you again. Although it is not intended that the contents of "NutWorks" deal strictly with computer related themes, it is inevitable that most of the featured articles will, indeed, be computer related, for blatantly obvious reasons. The rest, of course, will deal with sex. BB


Sing this one to Michael Jackson's "Beat it"

You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.

Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,

Get the system manager to
Even though you'd rather shoot it.
Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
All that you do is flip a little switch.
Get right down and restitute it.
Don't get excited, all is not lost.
Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...

You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,

You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)

Call the local guru to
Go ahead re-institute it.
If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it'll do it itself.
Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.


Interdepartmental Memo
From: Letters Department
To: Editorial Staff
Re: 'LETTERS' Column in Issue #1.

To the Editors:
I regret to inform you that there won't be much of a letters column in the first issue. See, us fellas down here in the letters department, well, we're all kind of new at this whole business, and we're sorta having a little trouble with the actual formatting of the column. Jeff was designing a really nice layout for the column before he was exiled to Saskatchewan for that kiddy-porno thing. And then I put a nice piece together, but it got eaten by the VAX. Philippe thought it would be nice to use some pastel stripes, with rainbows, flowers and birds, so we spit on him and teased him about his eye-makeup. Clyde had an idea to make up our own letters, funny ones, and throw the real letters out, which is what he did, so now we don't have any. So you can plainly see that we had no choice but to 'borrow' some letters from, as they say,'another magazine' in order to make the deadline. Here they are:
Dear Sirs: I'd like to share with your readers an experience that I was recently fortunate to be part of. I'm a well-figured gal (36-22-34), with hazel eyes and blonde hair that hangs down to my rear. First of all, let me say that I'd never do anything to destroy my wonderful marriage of three years to my husband whom I'll call Zachary. But the honest, devoted little wife in me was quickly replaced by a hungry, crazed tigress when I encountered Hank (not his real name). I first met Hank at a vegetable & fruit store where I used to shop. He worked in the cucumber section. From the minute I first laid my eyes on him I knew that I'd want him to

Amazingly Mind-bogglingly Stupid Question #74932:

"Is there a Roman numeral for zero?"


A Few Really Neat Things to do to New CMS Users that
Will Cause Them to Have a Lousy Day:

-- Tell them you've written a program that sends no-header messages
(which really doesn't) and then instruct them to use it to tell
the operator to eat shit.

-- When they're away from their terminal talking to a consultant,
spool their virtual printer ROUTE WEIZMANN.

-- Throw up on them. (This one's a given).

-- Say to them "You know, if you don't Flingle that Megablum
of yours, you'll soon be without a virtual Quontis," and then
leave the room.

-- Tell them to be sure to put "IPL" commands in their Profile.

-- When they're away from their terminal waiting for a Pascal
printout, send a mail file to their Professor saying that
his lousy class sucks the big wongo and (if you have time)
that he himself isn't fit to lick the dust off of a
Timex Sinclair.

-- Tell them to be sure to set several PF Keys to "CP LOGOFF" (in
case of emergencies, don'tcha know).

-- Tell them that the Senior Job Controller just loves to joke
around about his intestinal problems, and supply them with a
good one-liner to send to him.

-- When they are away from their terminal trying to figure out why
their Pascal printout ended up somewhere on the other side
of the Atlantic Ocean, type the following:
(This causes a clear-screen command to be issued upon every
Carriage Return. heh-heh)


And Now, Another Not-So Famous Historical Quote,
For Your Reading Pleasure:

"Don't fire 'till you see the backs of their heads!"

...orders given by Union General Sherman Tanque at the Battle
of Cowards Creek, just before the most alarmingly humiliating
defeat ever experienced by any army anywhere.


Special Science Feature: All-Purpose METRIC Conversion Table.

This chart will help to convert almost anything from the old
system of measurement to the new. To convert back, simply stand on
your head when using this chart.

1 inch = 2.4 centimeters
1 snail eater = 7.3 snail liters
1 pack + 1 liter = 1 liter of the pack
5 parking meters = 8.2 parking centimeters
10 cents = 1 dime
50,000 decibels = 1 Twisted Sister concert
Cost of 1 ear operation = Mega-bucks (see last entry)
1 Tidal Wave = 47.92 Microwaves
64 kilobytes = Next to nothing


Here you have it folks, the original...

Documentation Sex Quiz

1. What are the fallopian tubes?

a. Bicycle tires
b. A subway in Italy
c. All of the above

2. What is a urethra?

a. A female black singer
b. The opposite of myrethra
c. Something you hang on your door for Chrithmeth

3. What is an ovary?

a. A book written by Flaubert
b. A passing grade at school
c. A famous WWII song

4. What is fellatio?

a. A person who collects stamps
b. Mr. Hornblower's first name
c. A non-dairy whipped topping popular in Italy

5. What is a testicle?

a. A test to see if you're ticklish
b. One of the two parts of the Bible
c. An octopus' arm

6. What is cunnilingus?

a. A form of pasta
b. The language of love
c. An Irish airline

7. What is a gonad?

a. A cheer for NAD high school
b. A person who wanders from place to place
c. A Moody Blues song

8. What is a vulva?

a. A Swedish car
b. The punching bag in your throat
c. An engine part

9. What is a seminal vesicle?

a. An indian boat
b. A priest's retreat
c. A discussion on the subject of veins and arteries

12. What is a penis?

a. A salty snack you have with beer
b. A Charles Shultz comic strip
c. Liberace

Boner Question: What is an Anus?

a. Part of a famous black comedy team
b. A planet--home of Superman
c. A herbaceous plant

Answers to these and many more thoroughly disgusting
questions may, or may not appear in a future issue.


Coming Next Month In

** Will Florida sink into the Atlantic Ocean During Spring Break?
Expert Geologist reveals all!

** Words That Have No Definition: What Do They Mean?

** How to Get an 'A' in Advanced Operations Analysis Without Losing
Your Virginity!

** The Pains and Strains of Systems Management: Former Sys. Man. tells
it like it is!

** Moment of Terror: 'I was taken aboard a flying saucer from Mars,
impregnated, forced to perform unspeakable things with Bigfoot,
found my husband had been attacked by a killer lobster, gave birth
to snake-like, siamese twins with three eyes each, and won the lottery
all in one day!' Exclusive interview!!!


Next issue promices to be longer and utterly fascinating, sent
in mid-February.

NutWorks Magazine Issu#1, Vol. 1. January 1985